Legal pot growers unable to get anyone to trim their weed for $1 an hour

Legal pot producers say they are having to destroy thousands of kilograms of cannabis worth millions because lazy millennials won’t trim their weed for a dollar an hour.

The labour shortfall is directly connected to the current lack of weed in legal cannabis stores across the country, say the CEO’s of several large billion dollar cannabis companies. They say the only solution is to allow them to import workers from countries where people would be happy to make a dollar an hour, or even a dollar a day.

Jim Jenkins, the CEO of Dank Acres in Ontario, says his company has tried and tried to find reliable workers to harvest and trim their crops, but says Canadian workers all demand things like ‘living wages’ and ‘avocado toast’ and ‘bathroom breaks’. These are luxuries his company simply cannot afford to provide, says Jenkins.

“Look, it costs us about a dollar a gram to grow this stuff,” explains Jenkins, “and we sell it for between about four to eight dollars a gram. If we pay our workers more money, it will increase our production costs to almost a dollar and ten cents a gram, and we’ll be forced to pass this added cost on to our customers. And that will make legalization fail.”

Jenkins says the only solution is to either let Dank Acres build a robot army that can harvest and trim plants twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, or allow them to import temporary foreign workers who won’t get “uppity” about high wages.

Another canna-CEO agrees. Tanya Jackson, the head grower at Blazin’ Saddles, a licensed cannabis producer in northern Saskatchewan, says that the company’s inability to secure reliable labour at cut-rate wages is threatening to send legalization into a tailspin.

“If the government doesn’t let us import migrant workers from country;s with no labour laws, then legalization will fail,” says Jackson.

Meanwhile, Cindy Snipster, a representative for Local Trimmers Union 420, based on Vancouver Island, says that trimming cannabis takes expertise that their organization feels low wager foreign workers simply won’t have.

“Look, we’re in high demand because our workers are good at what they do,” says Snipster. “Growers usually have to book us weeks in advance, and when you’re dealing with some grower bros in some remote island grow-op, they are happy to have some attractive female company after spending like 6 months cooped up in a cabin watering plants and playing video games.

“We cook vegan meals, sing songs, we bring our dogs, and wear comfortable yet alluring clothing. This is why we are worth twenty dollars an hour, or an ounce out of every pound we trim. You won’t get that from some robots or from some child labour from Uzbekistan.”

*This craft satirical article was written by a bot for a cost of $.02 a word. 

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