Companies that manufacture cannabis grinders say legal Canadian cannabis companies are driving them out of business by selling dry, brittle weed that crumbles by just looking at it.
After spending years carving out a niche market in the cannabis space providing solutions for the heavy user demographic to break up their sticky icky in a neat, orderly manner, these same companies now fear that new drying and curing practices by legal cannabis growers in Canada may be signalling the end of their market share.
“Look, for years now we have seen a steady annual increase in profits and market share,” says Doug Jackson, head of marketing for the California-based Melbourne Muncher, a 4 piece grinder that also collects and filters kief-pollen and stores up to 2 grams of cannabis.
“As the weed gets danker and more and more danker, the demand for the kinds of products we offer has only increased. But nowadays, the stuff we’re starting to see in the Canadian cannabis market, it’s brittle to the touch. You can grind up a gram in between your two fingers without leaving your hands sticky with resin and terpy derps. It’s infuriating.”
“The LP’s have unshackled us from the chains of Big Grinder. This does nothing but put more control into the hands of the small consumer who just wants to enjoy some nugs that crumble when you look at it wrong without getting your fingers covered in trichomes.”
Toni Jackson (no relation), the head of marketing for BC-based Krunk Grinders says they see similar concerns with the new legal market and these dry-as-a-bone flowers.
“I ordered 20 grams of some kind of legal weed from the BC online stores, and when I opened up the container, it turned to weed-dust right before my eyes. I heard it’s because they dry it in the microwave or something. Anyway, it’s fucked and now we’re going to have to sell our grinders to herbal tea connoisseurs, which is a very, very small market.”
At least one cannabis consumer, however, says he appreciates the ultra-dry nature of this new, legal weed.
“These corporate shills at Big Grinder are just scared because we, the little guy who smokes weed, we don’t need them any more!”, says Teal Jackson, a self described ‘stoner’ who says she smokes smokes almost three grams a month.
“The LP’s have unshackled us from the chains of Big Grinder. This does nothing but put more control into the hands of the small consumer who just wants to crack open a plastic jar and smell the pungent aroma of a the terpenes that survived irradiation and enjoy some nugs that crumble when you look at it wrong.”
*This satirical article has been irradiated for the safety of the humour-compromsied. If you ask the folks at Krush Grinders real nice, they might print another run of verp broccoli grinders.