No increases in cannabis-impaired driving post-legalization, surprising no one who has ever consumed cannabis

Despite dire warnings of chaos on Canadian roads after weed became legal, Canadian police are now expressing surprise that said chaos never ensued.

The rest of Canada, however, are not at all surprised because they know that cannabis impairment is in no way comparable to alcohol, which is responsible for 40% of auto accidents in Canada.

Despite this, Canadian police continue to claim they need millions of dollars in funding to deal with a massive uptick in stoned drivers causing chaos on the roads, assuming it is just like alcohol.

“Sure, we haven’t seen the spike we expected, yet,” yelled RCMP spokesman Johanas Jackson. “But it’s coming. Any day now. Just you watch. And if you don’t give us tens or even hundreds of million in new funding, this apocalypse will be on YOUR head!”

The RCMP say they have used their funding to buy road side cannabis testing devices they now don’t want to use because they don’t work, as well as sending officers to an all-expenses-paid resort in the US to learn how to tell if someone is stoned. According to sources, these trips costs tens of thousands per officer

“Driving stoned reduces your reaction time and makes you see, like, trippy colours and stuff, man,” continued Jackson. “People get the munchies and then start making tacos while they drive, which is almost as dangerous as operating a cell phone while driving.”

Cannabis activists, however, say these claims are absurd, and that cannabis actually makes them better drivers.

“Look, if I take a little puff before I drive, it just puts me more in the moment, gets me out of my head so I can pay attention to the road,” says Jack Johanason, cannabis legalization activist.

“Sure, all the feelings of invincibility, limited depth perception and extremely aggressive behaviour I get from using the marijuana can be tough to manage, but I just try to ignore them altogether.

“Oh. wait, I’m thinking of alcohol. Weed doesn’t do any of that shit.”

Despite this lack of concern, the RCMP says that any day now they expect total carnage on the road, despite the fact people have been consuming cannabis and driving for decades with no massive spike in accidents.

“You just wait and see,” says Jackson. There will be increases in drive by shootings, drag racing, people driving beat up VW bugs painted in primary colours. Chaos!”

*The authors of this satirical article love and respect the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and make sure to donate twice a year to their various fundraisers. 

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