A large, US-based cannabis industry event is said to be working on an underground tunnel for Canadians who wish to attend their event later this month.
The announcement comes in the wake of numerous reports from various media outlets who are claiming American border agents are arresting anyone at the border who has ever even heard of marijuana, worked near marijuana, or listened to seminal 90’s weed album, Dr Dre’s the Chronic.
The company digging the tunnel says they have been working 24 hours a day for months now to finish the tunnel in time.
“We really want to ensure Canadians can continue to attend our event as they have for several years now, by the thousands,” said a spokesperson for the American-owned cannabis event company.
“Now that we know that border agents are turning away or even arresting anyone in the cannabis industry, as the media has so dutifully and accurately reported, we felt it was our duty to provide an alternative.”
“We’ve actually utilized a tunnel once used by the gangs to ship BC Bud into the US. We just retrofitted it to make our clientele more comfortable. We widened the tunnel considerably, we added speakers playing smooth jazz, and we’ve set out various tables with appetizers.”
The tunnel is said to start somewhere north of the BC border, opening up again in rural northern Washington state. All crossings are managed by a representative on the Canadian side who only allows crossing just after sunset.
Expo attendees will then be picked up by a Coyote on the US side who will stuff them in a van with blacked out windows that will be driven through the night to arrive at the convention centre for the event early the next morning.
“We’ve actually utilized a tunnel once used by the gangs to ship BC Bud into the US,” says the company representative. “We just retrofitted it to make our clientele more comfortable. We widened the tunnel considerably, we added speakers playing smooth jazz, and we’ve set out various tables with appetizers.”
Not all Canadians planning to attend the event say they will be using the tunnel, however.
“Why would I use a tunnel when I cross the border several times a year with no problem?”, asked Anthony Tonitone, a prolific black market cannabis grower who posts about his work online on Twitter, Facebook and Youtube under his legal name and says he frequently travels to the US for both work and pleasure.
“I’ve never had any problems at the US border, I don’t know what these people are talking about. Last time I attended Hemp Fest in Washington or Reggae on the River in California, I told the border guards exactly where I was going and what I do for a living. And all my shit is online. No one cares. This is just an expensive hotel for people who need to get out more.”
*When attending the verp satirical cannabis expo later this year in Omaha, Nebraska, mention this article for a free canapé and red dot lapel pin.