Verp uncovers secret plot in cannabis industry we can’t tell you about

BREAKING: Verp media have uncovered a heinous and unspeakable problem in the Canadian cannabis industry. So diabolical and despicable is this quandary that we cannot even tell you what it is.

But trust us, it’s super bad.

The six month investigation by verp’s intrepid journalist found that at least one licensed cannabis producer, and possible all of them, have connections to something bad. Something very, very bad. The bad thing is so bad, in fact, that our lawyers have said we cannot even tell you what it is or who the alleged licensed producer or producers is or are or to what degree they may or may not be connected to the bad thing.

In addition, the problem is so bad we cannot even provide evidence to support our professtations that this problem even exists.

Nonetheless, when we reached out to Health Canada and the RCMP for comment, they both laughed at us and suggested this was really just a politically charged hit-piece setting the stage for next year’s federal election.

The Black Market, for their part, is said be be experiencing extreme schadenfreude after having to listen to LP’s call them all organized crime for like five years now. 

Nothing could be further from the truth, says a spokesman for the Conservative Party of Canada, who helped advise on this story.

“Clearly Justin Trudeau’s irresponsible and harried rush to force marijuana legalization down the throats of hard working, sober Canadians has backfired,” says the spokesman under condition of anonymity. “This problem verp media has exposed only further highlights how irresponsible and rushed this whole half baked legal weed idea was.

“Canada just isn’t ready for legalization.”

Our in-depth analysis of numerous data points in the cannabis industry all points to how horrible this un-named problem is, but some speculate it may be that the CBC has been taken over Russians.

“It’s the only obvious conclusion,” said the unnamed political analyst. “The CBC — that once sacred Canadian institution that brought us such important issues like Peter Manbridge’s $300,000 collection of ties and if we see the blue dress or the yellow dress — has now clearly been taken over by the KGB, and probably the FBI. I have the evidence to prove this, I just can’t show it to you.”

Although we cannot give specifics of the problem we have isolated or evidence to support it, we will continue to report on this hard hitting story every day for the next nine months.

The Black Market, for their part, is said be be experiencing extreme schadenfreude after having to listen to LP’s call them all organized crime for like five years now.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Maxime Bernier said the People’s Party of Canada leader has established a team of wet fingers to gauge which way the wind is blowing on this whole legal weed thing.

“But it will obviously be in favour of a free market which will get rid of all these organized criminals”, said the spokesperson.

*This entirely fabricated satirical article was totally not paid for by a political party who was opposed to legalization and we promise it will not feature prominently in QP anytime soon.

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