Ontario won’t confirm or deny if they Smokeyed all your weed

Ontario is refusing to either confirm or deny reports that a man named Thomas may have smokeyed all of your weed at the Ontario Cannabis Store warehouse.

Unconfirmed reports began emerging early last week that a man reportedly named Tom or Thomas Syndicato had, in fact, smoked up all your weed, causing a backlog in several weeks now for tens of thousands of orders placed around the province. Although verp sent a reporter to Ontario to get them to confirm or deny this report, the province was unavailable for comment.

Some speculate this man they say may be named Thomas or Tom was upset at Doug Ford for scrapping the previous government’s public-run retail model for cannabis, and decided to sabotage the province’s online retail system in revenge by smoking all the weed before it could be mailed to the customers who ordered it.

“That’ll show Doug Ford for taking money out of my local buddies’ pockets and giving it to private industry,” is what we here at verp envision this person muttering to themselves, hypothetically, in a smokey room, as they maniacally puff 17 joints at once while swallow several bottles of cannabis oil capsules and dousing themselves in cannabis genital spray.

The Ontario Public Service Employees Union has been frustrated with the new Ontario government ever since they announced plans to scrap the public retail model in favour of private retail earlier this year, saying they expected all sorts of international criminals and gangsters flooding into the province to sell weed in a lawless void.

“There’s literally no other checks and balances that can be put in place that would prevent non-union gang members from opening stores and selling weed,” one union representative told verp in a fake interview earlier this year.

“For example, there’s no way to undertake background checks on the potential owners of these stores, as other provinces have done. And there’s absolutely no way to ensure they are selling product from federally-regulated cannabis growers.”

Although cannabis sales began at midnight local time in Ontario on October 17, thousands of people say they have still yet to receive their orders, some three weeks later.

Ontario has been looking at supplying stores with seized black market product in the interim.

*This is a satirical article and was written using non-unionized scab satirists. 

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