In the wake of a mid-sized clusterf*ck with Ontario’s online sales portal and distribution centre apparently being unprepared to sell large quantities of weed in the country’s largest province—in a country with one of the highest rates of cannabis consumption in the developed world—the Ontario government is blaming weed growers for misleading them.
The province’s Minister of Weed, Vincent Vicky, issued a press release earlier this week announcing that the real blame for their problem filling orders is due to cannabis growers who “lied” to them.
“Look, we trusted weed growers when they told us how much they can grow,” said Vicky. “But lo and behold, they were not actually truthful with us when they said they could grow 500 kilograms per sq meter. We trusted them and they lied to us! Turns out they are only growing in a small room inside some massive facility they aren’t using.”
“And, errr, it’s also Canada Post’s fault. That rotating strike in different provinces five days after legalization really screwed us.”
The Minister says the province sent out a joint task force to visit weed growing operations in the black market, who they then trusted entirely and built their expectations based on what they believed was accurate information.
“Look, no one expected these businesses to misrepresent their capacity potential. Why would a for profit business ever lie about something like that?” asked Vicky. “Oh yeah, and it’s Canada Post’s fault, too.”
“Look, no one expected these businesses to misrepresent their capacity potential. Why would a for-profit business ever lie about something like that?” asked Vicky.
Meanwhile, the province says they are seeking numerous remedies to help deal with this totally unexpected initial product shortage, including skimming about ten percent of the product out of every package and using that to create 10% more packages, filling weed coffers with seized product, and mysteriously cancelling orders and pretending they never happened.
“As announced months ago, we are planning on stepping up raids of the illegal dispensaries in our province and seizing product that we can then use to fill orders,” said the Press Secretary to the Minister of Weed, John Johanas Jackson.
“We’ll also begin skimming about .1 grams off every packaged gram and using that to fill new orders and we’re looking at accidentally ‘losing’ about 20% of the orders we’ve received from Ontarians. We expect that all of these efforts combined should help us mostly make up the product shortage by the end of next month. “
For their part, weed growers are blaming the government for not letting them sell weed from the black market.
“Look, we could score metric tons of weed from the black market if the government would just get off its ass and let us do whatever we want,” said the representative of a cannabis grower organization.
*This article is satire, believe it or not.