Smug weed hipsters who have spent months, even years, claiming that legal cannabis would be too expensive—that no one would buy it and that the system would fail—are finding themselves experiencing confusion and disbelief today as long lines form at cannabis stores and products are selling out within minutes in online stores.
Legalization kicked off at midnight local time across Canada last night, October 17, beginning with sales in Newfoundland and Labrador and moving west from the Maritimes through Quebec, Ontario, Nunavut, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, the Northwest Territories, Yukon, Alberta, and British Columbia.
Those Canadians visiting the handful of physical retail locations in provinces that actually got their shit together in time were met with long lines of eager Canadians seeking to take part in the historic day, while consumers in provinces like BC and Ontario that couldn’t manage to get many, if any, stores in place in time, were seeing ‘out of stock’ signs on many products within minutes of the online portals opening.
But the overwhelming excitement from average Canadians, and the overall success of the ‘soft launch’ of legalization, even at price points over the supposed $8 threshold consumers won’t pass, has so-called cannabis activists sputtering and grasping at straws.
One prominent so-called activist with a chain of illegal retail locations across the country with prices ranging from about $5-$15 a gram for dried flowers says this is likely just all “fake news” because “literally no one” he knows is willing to buy what he says is “expensive, irradiated government weed.”
“Look, I know everyone in Canada who smokes weed,” says Gary Jimmison, owner of Weeds, Weeds, and even More Weeds, with 46 locations across Canada.
“I’ve been selling it to them for years, and they all literally tell me that they will only buy from me. So who are these people supposedly lining up at midnight in the cold to buy government weed? That’s fake news.”
Jimmison says he knows for a fact Canadians aren’t willing to pay more than $1 a gram for cannabis, and would never ever ever ever pay the kinds of prices he himself makes tens of millions of dollars a month selling at.
“The government just doesn’t understand the cannabis culture,” continues Jimmison. “The cannabis culture is all about breaking rules, not following them. What’s more square than lining up around the block to buy government-sanctioned weed? I’m actually quitting weed today and switching to chewing coca leaves and drinking raw, unpasteurized milk, which are both still illegal and therefore still cool.”
*At a low price of fourteen cents a word, this satirical article won’t last long! Share it today!