Pagans protest October rollout for pot legalization

Pagans in Canada are protesting the government’s introduction of legal weed in Canada on October 17, just two weeks before their high holiday known as All Hallow’s Eve.

A group of Canadian pagans calling themselves the Canadian Pagans for the Purity of Halloween, or CPPH, have issued a petition to the Liberal government and they are staging a series of protests across the country to register their frustration with the federal government’s decision to make cannabis legal on October 17, 2018.

“As pagans, we are already marginalized and misunderstood by society,” said CPPH President and Pagan High Priest Galactica Bragoon (real name Gary Brown). “But this move to legalize such a dangerous drug so close to our most important annual holiday is really stooping to a new low in how society treats pagans.”

Although the government had originally promised to legalize cannabis on July 1 of this year, they were forced to change the date after patriots protested the connection between pot and Canada Day celebrations.

“Canada Day is about celebrating Canada’s birthday by hanging out with family and friends, and drinking as much Canadian beer as possible,” said one politician at the time. “Not smoking weed and listening to Cheech and Chong albums.”

The move from July 1 to October 17, say the pagans, shows what little regard the Liberals have for their religion and community.

“Can you imagine if they made weed legal just a few days before Christmas?”, says Bragoon. “Or Hanukkah? Or Eid? Yet all these Abrahamic religions are the new kids on the block. Pagans have been around thousands of years longer, but no one cares about our holidays or about not offending us! So we’re demanding the government listen!”

Not all pagans say they are upset, though.

“Halloween dates all the way back to the Gaelic festival of Samhain,” says Bragoon’s life partner and CPPH Treasurer Annalise Moonsprinkle (real name Sally Jones). “It’s a celebration of the end of harvest, before we descend into the darkness of winter.

“The cannabis harvest happens this time of year as well, and cannabis is an excellent remedy for those long Canadian winter nights. I know my own coven will be happy to use legal cannabis in our annual seance for the first time, ever.”

Justin Trudeau was unavailable for comment on this story as of press time.

* If you say verp 3 times in front of a mirror at 4:20 on October 31, Don will appear and force you to listen to Joe Rogan podcasts and Japanese Opera.

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