Canadian Military says no smoking weed on the battlefield

Members of the Canadian military will not be able to smoke weed while shooting bad guys, says National Defence, who released its formal policy last week.

This goes for all members of the military, from plane-flying ones to the boat-floaty ones to the ones who walk around, who won’t be able to smoke weed less than eight hours before combat.

Although the rules are more strict than those with alcohol, the Canadian military says this is needed to keep their soldiers in tip-tip fighting condition.

“We need our boys ready to kill at a moment’s notice,” said one General who spoke to verp at a bar just outside a base in Saskatoon. “Weed makes you all peaceful and hippie-like, but alcohol makes you wanna fight! So you can see the concern.”

National Defence says that smoking weed will not be allowed on a plane, on a train, on a boat, or on the battlefield, but that drone operators are cleared for use because weed “helps people focus on things like video games or drone bombing wedding parties.”

The Canadian military has given random blind drug sampling tests since 2007, with results shown that weed has been the drug of choice in the military — much more popular than cocaine or ecstasy and other hard drugs, but slightly less popular than Rip Fuel and Monster energy drinks.

*You readers go northward, you go southward. I’m gonna write around here in a satire

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