Bruce Linton barricades himself in nuclear bunker as last resort against black market

A visibly agitated Bruce Linton was seen earlier today entering a large fallout bunker he recently had constructed under Tweed’s Smiths Falls property. According to sources, the bunker has been outfitted with enough food and water to last for several months and has been constructed to withstand the blast of a direct hit from a thermonuclear warhead.

“Those black market fuckers are stockpiling nukes to take us down! But I’m smarter than they are! Haha!” Linton told BNN in a recent interview about Canopy’s latest quarterly earnings report.

As well as food and water, it’s believed that Linton has been stockpiling an array of heavy arms in the bunker, including shotguns, field artillery pieces, and sophisticated ground-to-air anti-drone systems.

“The unfettered evil of these black market actors must not be underestimated!” reads a memo recently distributed to Canopy staff. “They’re out to destroy not just the profitability of legal weed, but also the very peace and stability of our great nation itself! We must be vigilant, lest these desperados undermine everything we hold sacred and dear!”

On condition of anonymity, a source close to Linton stated that Canopy will continue to run as usual under the co-direction of co-CEO Mark Zekulin while Linton rides out what his doctors have described as “market-share induced psychosis” (MSIP).

“MSIP is a very common ailment among CEOs of corporations that have managed to attain a dominant market-share in an emergent industry,” says Dr Will Pillputch, head of the department of executive medicine at Mt Sinai Hospital in Toronto.

“It’s almost identical to the more widely known cocaine-induced psychosis, in which individuals who have been abusing cocaine for a long period become paranoid and delusional that some form of bogeyman is out to take their stash and haul them off to jail.

“Only instead of cocaine abuse, MSIP is usually precipitated by an excessive market share and an irrational fear that some boogeyman is going to steal their first-to-market advantage and relegate them to a life of second-rate motivational speaking engagements.”

In Mr Linton’s case, Dr Pillputch thinks the CEO’s time underground will serve him well.

“Linton’s made the right move in squirrelling himself away in a safe space. I’m sure after a month or two away from industry news, market data, and board meetings, he’ll start to see the forest for the trees again.”

* In extreme cases of cannabis-related MSIP, Dr Pillputch also recommends reading 1-2 industry satire articles after every meal.


  1. Major

    He knows he’s doomed with his sub-par-gamma-irradiated-burnt-terpenes-junk-hay.

    Selling staled cannabis will be his demise!

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