Profs warn weed-free campuses can’t sustain humanities, fine arts programs

As post-secondary institutions across the country continue to develop and implement updated smoking policies in response to the legalization of cannabis, several professors are sounding alarm bells over the potential impact these new policies could have on enrollment and innovations in humanities and fine arts programs.

“It will spell the end of the liberal arts as we know them in Canada,” says Jocelyn Strawman, a professor of musicology who specializes in the study of early medieval Portuguese madrigals at the University of Toronto. “Smoking a joint is the only way I can really even begin to pretend to enjoy listening to the totally obscure and irrelevant music I study. If I can’t smoke pot in or near my office, I can’t do my work.”

Holly Thumbstuffer, who is chair of the department of English at the University of Victoria and specializes in the study of gender-queer animal characters in early Victorian children’s literature, says that without the ability to smoke cannabis on campus, she expects enrollment in the literature department to plummet to near zero.

“About 80% of our students come to the literature department after they realize that they can’t keep up their weed smoking habits AND keep their grades up in science and business courses,” says Thumbstuffer. “Without that influx of listless stoners, our department and others like it won’t be able to sustain themselves.”

Meanwhile several heads of various creative writing programs across the country have signed a statement that predicts that, without the help of regular cannabis consumption during their formative years, 90% of creative writing students are entirely incapable of penning anything but dull, trite accounts of mean things people said to them when they were children, “while the remaining twenty percent get by on pretending to be indigenous.” The statement concludes that, without free access to cannabis on the campus, Canadian Literature will become a thing of the past even more so than it already has.

* If Don and Corey hadn’t been stoned all through college, verp would be a quantum physics satire magazine.

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