The union that controls the LCBO, along with the Ontario Liberal Party, are saying “I told you so” today as waves of gangsters, pirates, and scruffy looking nerf-herders have already flooded the province ready to take over retail pot sales.
The wave of criminal cannabis peddlers comes on the heels of new Ontario Premier Doug Ford announcing his plans to scrap the provincial-run retail stores put in place by the previous Liberal government.
“We tried to warn them,” said Joe “Blazey” McUnion, president of the Union for Selling Things in Ontario, during a press conference in Toronto on Friday. “We tried to tell them that the only way to keep criminals out of the province was to control the sales through union-run provincial stores. Everyone knows crime and unions don’t mix!”
Blazey told the assembled crowd that the province was the only thing standing in between cannabis consumers and total anarchy.
“There’s literally no other checks and balances that can be put in place that would prevent non-union gang members from opening stores and selling weed,” he said. “For example, there’s no way to undertake background checks on the potential owners of these stores, as other provinces have done. And there’s absolutely no way to ensure they are selling product from federally-regulated cannabis growers.”
“This is a clear and unequivocal signal that Doug Ford wants those of us who have been thumbing our noses at municipal and provincial law to keep doing whatever we want. Vindication!!!”
Meanwhile, all along the Ontario border, at every possible crossing, hordes of criminals, thugs, gangsters, pirates, interdimensional space villains, ruffians, lawbreakers, and even ne’er-do-wells are already flooding into the province and opening weed stores, overwhelming local law enforcement.
“We now have no idea how to distinguish between law-abiding retailers and those breaking the law,” said RCMP spokesperson Sandy Perlklush. “This is a dangerous, reckless move by the Ford government that will hurl our province into chaos not seen since since Mogadishu in 2008.”
Meanwhile, dispensary activists have been busy celebrating what they say is a clear indication that Ford is going to hand the cannabis industry over to the owners of illegal dispensaries that the province has spent years investigating and raiding.
“This is a proud day for the pioneers of marijuana stores in this Ontario,” said Judy Normy, owner of a chain of retail stores across Canada. “This is a clear and unequivocal signal that Doug Ford wants those of us who have been thumbing our noses at municipal and provincial law to keep doing whatever we want. Vindication!!!”
* Shoppers Drug Mart was not contacted for comment on this satirical story.