Ontario cannabis community suddenly in love with Conservatives

The Ontario cannabis community found themselves with a newfound love for conservative politics today after an announcement that the provincial government plans to scrap public retail stores and open the market up to private retailers.

Setting aside concerns with other aspects of the new Ford Conservatives in the province like trashing a sex ed program that acknowledges sexual orientations other than heterosexual—or a plan to cut over $300 million in funding for public health, or trashing a safe injection site plan—weed activists are ecstatic that the province will no longer be implementing publicly-run cannabis stores.

“Sure, he’s going to turn Ontario into some kind of dystopian libertarian wasteland,” said one weed activist in downtown Toronto. “But I mean…. He’s making dispensaries legal! Woohooo!!!”

The announcement about planned changes to the province’s retail program still lacks any concrete details such as: who will be allowed to apply for a private cannabis retail license? Will the province keep some public stores, or sell them all off? And will existing ‘dispensaries’ have a shot at participating?

“Oh, great,” said one former Ontario Liberal staffer who asked to not be named, crying into a cocktail at a bar in Ottawa. “Now cannabis in Ontario will be sold by gangsters, rapists, thugs, Russians, Mexicans and all kinds of terrorists. Only provincially-run stores are safe! We need to nationalize every business in the province to protect us from gangs!”

Never the less, this lack of details is not preventing dispensary activists from celebrating this development as a win for dispensaries.

“We fought hard and long for this,” said Campbell Lietchen, the President of Ontarians for a Free Market for Weed (OFFMW), “and now we’re seeing the results of our hard work. I hope Ontarians are grateful for all we have done for them.”

“Sure, kids in Ontario will be learning sex ed from the dark ages, and public health will be harmed by the massive cuts to mental health care, not to mention the lost revenue for the province that would be brought in via publicly-run stores. But, I mean… come on! Weed! Private weed!”

Not everyone is happy, though. Employees who were already hired to work at future Ontario Cannabis Stores say they are now out of a job they just found out they had. And Ontario Liberals are upset by an expected influx of “thugs, gangsters, and Mexican cartels” they say will take over the industry now.

“Oh, great,” said one former Ontario Liberal staffer who asked to not be named, crying into a cocktail at a bar in Ottawa. “Now cannabis in Ontario will be sold by gangsters, rapists, thugs, Russians, Mexicans and all kinds of terrorists. Only provincially-run stores are safe! We need to nationalize every business in the province to protect us from gangs!”

The famous Ontario Cannabis Store logo is also said to be despondent, according to close friends.

“I’ve been calling him non-stop since the announcement yesterday,” said the Quebec cannabis logo, which some say looks like a rectal thermometer. “He hasn’t answered his phone, won’t text me back. I’m worried.”

The Ontario government already paid $650,000 for the spartan logo that consists of the letters O, C, and S in black font on a white background.

* This satirical article was protected from organized crime by being written by a government panel of 27 people.

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