In a shocking turn of events, the Trump administration announced today that they will no longer be turning away Canadians who have used cannabis, work with cannabis, or have heard of cannabis when they try to enter the United States.
These Canadians will now be separated from their families and kept in makeshift detention centres, pending interrogation from Jeff Sessions and a six-week stay in a re-education centre to learn why no one is allowed to enjoy cannabis until the United States get around to making it legal.
“We’re the United States of America,” said US President Donald Trump during a long, rambling speech to American steelworkers that covered topics like American jobs, China, a dog he saw last week, how he hates candy corn, and cannabis legalization in Canada.
“No one legalizes the weed before we do! We do everything first! Everything. We’re very, very important” shouted Trump.
“So from now on, any of those syrup-sucking Canuckleheads wanna come down here and buy our cheap tennis shoes and milk and gasoline and sneak them back into their socialist hellhole of a country, well, if they admit to smoking the reefer…. they’ll be detained until we can let them know they can’t do that without our approval. Not without our approval. Very serious stuff. Very serious.”
“USA! USA! USA!” shouted the crowd, firing guns into the air.
In response, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says he is very disappointed in the policy change from the United States, but that his government has little power over the elephant they are sleeping with.
“As my father famously said,” Trudeau told his yoga teacher, “living next to the United States is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”
“In this case,” continued Trudeau to the man-bunned yoga teacher named Todd, “this elephant is not being friendly or even-tempered. But what can I do?”
In protest, some Canadian cannabis connoisseurs say they plan on boycotting America.
“Not that I ever go there anyway,” said one debonair dank enthusiast outside a dispensary in Vancouver, BC. “But now I’m definitely not going there. Stupid racist American rednecks. I hate them all. They’re all so intolerant!
“But I mean, honestly, I don’t even leave my house much anyway. But now I’m totally not going to!”
One group of cannabis citizens calling themselves the Kief Keepers say they intend to start a cannabis militia that will patrol the US-Canada border and harass any Americans coming north into Canada.
“We’ve had it up to here with these Americans coming here and taking all our jobs and smoking all our weed and enjoying our lower drinking age,” says Kief Keepers founder Jay Goodank. “If they want to capture and detain our citizens for something that’s legal in our country, we’re going to stop them from even coming to Canada!”
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