In response to concerns that product supply in the new Ontario Cannabis Stores may be low and lacking in variety, the incoming OCS president says the provincial corporation will be seizing products from local dispensaries.
The plan, in coordination with law enforcement across the province, is to continually raid the dozens upon dozens of illegal dispensaries across the province over the coming months, seizing product which is then declared the property of the province.
The plan, says the incoming head of OCS, is to utilize an arcane law in Ontario that allows the province to seize products in times of emergency. Created during World War II to ensure that citizens and industry were not hoarding products needed for the war effort, the rule can, argues the OCS, be used to justify the seizure of pot from pot shops, to ensure that government stores and legalization itself do not fail in Ontario.
“Even if we only have four stores by October,” says incoming OCS President Ken Nancy, “this will ensure that those stores are stocked to the brim with the kind of products in the variety consumers are looking for, from dank top shelf nugs, to edibles, vape pens, concentrates—the whole kit and caboodle.
“The kind of variety they have in some of these dispensaries,” continued Ken, “it’s mind-blowing. And meanwhile we’re only supposed to stock our stores with some mids from the big LPs and some kind of oil I can only eat? Not a chance.”
Local law enforcement says recent raids in Hamilton resulted in the seizure of several hundred kilograms of cannabis, hundreds of vape pens, and thousands of grams of cannabis concentrates, along with hundreds of kilos of edibles and topicals, all now destined for the OCS.
“I think it’s great,” says one Ontario police officer who recently called the police on himself after eating a cannabis brownie that had been liberated from a local dispensary during a raid. “What I learned in my little mishap is the cannabis in those dispensaries is dangerous! I was freaking out, I even climbed a tree! Those things need warning labels!
“So I think it’s better if these products get sold in a controlled setting like a province-run store. Plus, these raids to get more product are fun.
“Most of the people in those stores are so nice. I enjoy chatting with them about cannabis. I’m really interested in cannabis cream for my arthritis, and several budtenders I’ve arrested have recommended a few products for me. I can’t wait to buy them legally at the OCS this October!”
*If this satirical article is seized, it will pop up in a new location next week.