Local city councillors and mayors in a few small British Columbia communities say they are frightened by the prospect of cannabis crowding out the essential food crops that British Columbians rely upon for their daily survival.
The fear, they say, is triggered by an increasing trend of cannabis companies buying old tomato and pepper greenhouses in the BC lower mainland and converting them into cannabis greenhouses.
“These tomatoes and peppers represent salsa and ketchup that British columbians rely upon for their daily sustenance,” says Delta Mayor Jack Loison. “When Big Marijuana comes to town and pushes out our local salsa crops, what are we going to do? Put marijuanas on our bland tacos and burritos?”
Jerry Kang, a local Vancouver counsellor, says he hopes no more cannabis farms get approved on agricultural land.
“This is a dangerous trend,” says Kang. “The marijuanas that supply the hundreds of dispensaries we allow in our city should be grown indoors in bunkers in the Kootenays or Vancouver Island, or in submerged tractor trailers run by local motorcycle enthusiasts, as it’s always been done.”
“I’m afraid we’ll never see another blueberry,” said Surrey Mayor Hugh Hepner. “It’s all going to be greenhouses for cannabis. Wont’ someone think of the blueberries!”
These local politicians are petitioning the BC government to ban the growing of cannabis on agricultural land, citing concerns that soon BC will have to import food from the United States rather than being 100% food self-sufficient, as the province is today.
“I’m afraid we’ll never see another blueberry,” said Surrey Mayor Hugh Hepner. “It’s all going to be greenhouses for cannabis. Won’t someone think of the blueberries!”
Some anti-blueberry, America-loving propagandists have absurdly claimed that British Columbia actually grows blueberries largely for export to markets like the United States, China, and elsewhere, along with crops like tomatoes and peppers.
This is, of course, untrue, explains Delta Mayor Loison.
“These weed-crazed anti-blueberry bigots spread these kinds of laws because they want British Columbians to starve to death,” screams Loison. “But these people are just Marijuana Marie Antoinette’s. They want us to eat weed cake!
“Some have even begun genetically modifying blueberries and cannabis into some kind of blueberry-flavoured cannabis. Next, I hear they will be targeting our local broccoli crops!”
One Vancouver City Councillor, however, says that these claims are crazy.
“I think these folks are maybe not actually concerned about food security,” says Reiman Andréas. “I think they’re just high on blueberry smoothies.”
*This satirical article has created 37 new jobs in British Columbia. If you don’t share this article with at least three people, British Columbians will starve.