In a shocking announcement, Big Weed CEO Lucie Clinton announced recently that her company will no longer be hiring people with experience growing cannabis.
The announcement came during a press conference on Baffin Island, Nunavut, where Big Weed was touting how many jobs a new facility being built there will bring to the area.
People who have experience growing or smoking weed, Clinton told the assembled audience, have no place in this legal industry, because people who grew or smoked cannabis were breaking the law.
“Growing marijuana is illegal unless you’re part of Big Weed,” said Clinton. “And Big Weed is most certainly not cool with people breaking the law. Cannabis is about following the law and respecting rules and anyone who can’t respect rules, can’t respect cannabis.
“Plus, they’re all lazy and can’t show up to work on time or use their listening ears.”
“Dude, what?” said one Big Weed employee who asked to remain anonymous.
The announcement came as a shock to the many employees at Big Weed who have, in fact, spent a lot of time growing, selling, buying, and consuming weed.
“Dude, what?” said one Big Weed employee who asked to remain anonymous. “Lucie hired me because I smoke weed. It was, like, my main qualification. We have mandatory smoke sessions at work every day. She recently hired my buddy because he’s been growing weed for a decade.”
“Maaaaan, this is what I’ve been telling people,” said a Shawnie James, a spokesperson from the Rebel Craft Alliance, who recently lost two of their leaders to Big Weed.
“These big corporations don’t appreciate the nuances of the cannabis culture,” continued James, in between drags on a large joint. “Showing up late is just good business, because our customers show up late, too. In fact, we don’t even open until 11. Most business open at ten, but we open at 11. Like Spinal Tap.”
Meanwhile, Borealis Bud, one of the biggest competitors to Big Weed, said they make it a habit of only hiring people who have grown and smoked weed most of their adult life.
“I suspect Lucie is saying this simply because we have already hired everyone in Canada with cannabis experience,” says Borealis’ spokes-bro Bill Nealot. “Our CEO used to sell weed. Our VP of production used to sell weed. Our janitors use to sell weed. Everyone here used to sell weed! And they still do!”
*This satirical article was supposed to have been posted yesterday but we got high and forgot.