A weed smoker who insists upon interjecting his linguistic preferences into every passing conversation about the devil’s lettuce is the hit of every party he attends, say friends, family, coworkers, and strangers.
Harry Nugs, a self-described ‘cannabis aficionado’ who says he has been smoking weed most of his adult life, has taken to interrupting every conversation he comes across where someone mentions marijuana to explain that the term is racist and that people should only ever call the plant by its Latin genus, Cannabis sativa.
Nugs says his interest in the subject came about when he read an article about a year ago that explained that a man named Harry Asslinger invented the word marijuana because he was a racist. This discovery, says the 22-year-old dope fiend, opened his eyes to larger systemic issues of colonialism embedded within our linguistic pedagogy.
“Before Henry Asslinger came along, everyone called it cannabis,” explains Nugs. “People smoked it freely all over the world, and only called it by its original binomial name provided by some Sweedish dude in the mid 1700s.”
“People don’t seem to understand how racist it is to call it ‘weed’ or ‘marijuana’ or ‘ganja’ or ‘dank’ or ‘pot’ or ‘piff’ or ‘dank krippy’ or ‘gas’ or ‘fire’ or ‘fuego’ or ‘chronic bubonic’ or ‘grass’ or ‘maryjane’ or ‘herb’ or ‘green socks’ or ‘hemp’ or ‘mota’ or ‘the kind bud’ or ‘Má’. “Cannabis” is its original name and anyone who doesn’t use that term exclusively might as well join the Ku Klux Klan or the Proud Boys.”
Nugs’ friends, family, co-workers, neighbours, and random people on the street, all say what a delight it is to be lectured by him on the subject any time they mention something about marijuana or pot or weed.
“Oh, he’s just a real treat,” says Nugs’ Grandmother Tamantha Nugs, who uses cannabis oil to help treat rickets. “Just the other day I was discussing with my bridge partners how marijuana really helps my rickets, and little Harry jumped right in, calling me a racist. I’m so grateful for his policing of my language.”
A random person on the street who had to endure a 30-minute lecture on the history of prohibition, says he, too, was grateful for the exchange.
“It really opened my eyes,” said the random stranger. “Like, shouldn’t we all just basically speak latin since it’s the original language? After my enlightening conversation with that pleasant and knowledgeable young man, I’ve actually begun referring to all plants by their Latin genus. Over the coming year, I hope to expand that to cover not only plants, but animals and minerals, too
“For example”, continued the stranger, “did you know that Canada’s national tree is actually called an Acer saccharum? “Maple” is just some colonialist word forced upon us to make us think the tree exists for us to exploit for its syrup, or lacrima acerna, as the ancient Latins called it.
“There’s so many things under the Solaris that have been misnamed by our modern society. I think it’s time we re-learn.”
*DYK cannabis satire was called “Cannabis saturikón dráma” by the ancient Mayans?