Following strange occult occurrences outside a cannabis greenhouse in British Columbia earlier this year, nearby residents are now saying that an entire greenhouse worth of cannabis plants disappeared overnight.
The disappearance of the plants, which took place almost 4 months after they were planted inside the repurposed pepper greenhouse, was discovered by a local stoner who had hoped to glimpse for the first time in his life a real, live cannabis plant growing in British Columbia.
“Ever since I heard that Tweed was bringing cannabis plants to BC, I had been wanting to make this pilgrimage,” said Ukie Cannabianski. “I saved up the money for months to afford the bus trip out to Langley, but when I arrived at the Marijuana Mecca, I was shocked and dismayed to see the plants were all gone!”
Speculation in the cannabis industry as to who, or what, took the plants has already begun to spread like Erysiphe cichoracearum. Local residents report hearing strange sounds that some attribute to a cloaked spaceship’s tractor beam, while others say the plants were never actually ever there in the first place. Still others say the plants were likely stolen by the PM, who has a habit of showing up unannounced in these old, repurposed greenhouses.
One local resident with a home just blocks away from the massive greenhouse, who asked to remain anonymous, says he suspects a cabal of international, multidimensional beings who, through the use of alien cloaking technology, stole the plants to take them back to the planet zOMGor.
“I seent it with my own eyes!,” said the neighbour. “They came in all cloaked-like, see, and suddenly the plants were just going ‘fwoop, fwoop’ as they were sucked out of the grow medium and flew up into an invisible flying saucer.”
One other possible theory is that the plants were stolen by the Rebel Craft Alliance, who is reportedly quite upset at having two of their former rebel leaders kidnapped and brainwashed by Canopy, the parent organization that owns BC Tweed.
“That filthy rebel scum,” said one Tweed investor. “Tweed was kind enough to introduce cannabis to British Columbia, and these haters go out and steal it to supply their illegal dispensaries. This is criminal, and I expect the Galactic Federation to step in and put a stop to this madness. These people clearly have no respect for Intergalactic Law.”
A representative from Big Cannabis refused to give comment, except to tell verp to “shut yer trap, everything’s fine.”
*This satirical article will self destruct in 3-4 months through a series of small fires.