Gwyneth Paltrow’s hippidy-dippity pseudoscience lifestyle wellness brand Goop has teamed up with equally shady pump-n-dump-ey pubco MedMen to unveil a new, unique Goop product marketed to female cannabis users.
The product, the Jade-egg Yoni Bong, is meant for use by women who want to balance their vaginal pH while getting high. The product works by allowing the healing energy from the jade to balance the vaginal canal’s internal energies, while also infusing the cannabis smoke with the healing power of estrogen.
“This helps women who smoke with our vagina bong to regulate their menstrual cycles and balance their femininity, all while enjoying the cancer-killing properties of smoking cannabis,” says a representative of Goop Health.
“This has been a strictly guarded secret of stoner royalty since antiquity. Queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors. Jade vagina bongs were said to harness the power of energy work and crystal healing,” says their website.
MedMen Enterprises, a cannabis company in the United States with assets and operations in many states like California, Florida, New York and Nevada, went public in Canada at the end of May and instantly saw their listing plummet by 25% as insiders sold off their shares.
MedMen CEO Dirk Dirkler says the partnership with Goop was a “no-brainer” because both brands are built around marketing to naive people who do little independent research before throwing their money into feel-good ideas.
“We’ve long been criticized as a male-dominated company. We even have ‘men’ in our name,” says Dirkler. “By partnering with Goop Health we’re helping to bridge the gap towards gender parity in our company. In fact, we’ll be changing our name later this year to ‘Med People’.
* Satire has been shown by researchers at the Sedona School of Science and Art to balance chi and reorganize your chakras to promote healthier being.