Another Canada Day has come and gone, and with it, Canadians’ faith in their own media organizations.
After many months of nonstop, breathless reporting that cannabis would be legal on July 1, 2018, Canadians found themselves angry, confused, and disillusioned that it was, in fact, not yet legal.
“I’m at a loss for words, today,” said one Canada Day reveler in Toronto while sharing a giant novelty joint among a crowd of strangers with varying levels of oral hygiene. “This is just another broken promise by the media. I mean, fake news. If we can’t trust the CBC, then who in this country can we trust?”
While Canadians can still blaze up pretty much anywhere in Canada with little to no repercussions (assuming they are white and use a modicum of discretion), the pervasive belief perpetuated by the Canadian media that cannabis would be legal on July 1 caused many Canadians to plan their day of patriotic Canadiana celebration around various cannabis products.
“I went out and bought a maple-leaf shaped dab rig specifically for this momentous and historic day, only to find out the media was lying to me this whole time!,” said one reveler in Calgary. “It’s fake news like this that makes me lose faith not only in journalism and the media, but in democracy as a whole. It’s like nothing is true and everything is possible.”
However, a representative of the CBC who spoke on condition of anonymity blames their sources for the miscommunication.
“Look,” said the CBC writer, “we have a longstanding tradition at the CBC to just quote random people and not fact check them at all, so you really can’t blame us that the one person we asked told us July 1 and we ran with it. Really, if you think about it, it’s society’s fault.”
“What we’re hearing now is that cannabis won’t be legal until something called “Royal Assent” which will happen on October 7,” continued the anonymous CBC writer. “That’s the day when edibles and vape pens will be legal. Until then, Canadians will simply have to buy some at the legal grey black legacy market dispensaries which operate in a legal grey zone black market according to one dispensary owner we interviewed once.”
Although many Canadians continue to access illicitly-acquired cannabis with great ease, both online and at dispensaries across the country, and although police continue to selectively enforce the existing laws, cannabis will in fact only be legal from the government after July 1, 2019, at which point anyone who is selling or growing cannabis will be granted full diplomatic immunity.
* This satirical article is still more accurate than 99% of the CBC’s cannabis coverage