Calgary announces new regulations for public consumption of cannabis

In a move being hailed as marginally more than the least they could do, Calgary city council has announced an innovative system for creating public cannabis consumption spaces: green paint.

Norm Imby, councillor for Ward 4, outlined the plan to a packed city council hearing.

“This is letting us kill two birds with one stone: a staffer who is no longer with us turned out to be a die-hard Edmonton Eskimos fan and ordered cases of green paint we’ve had no use for. We can now avoid having to talk to Edmonton about offloading the paint, and we can give pot smokers an inconvenient place to consume a legal substance.”

Councillor Imby’s plan is to paint objects green in locations where cannabis can be consumed.

“We’ll start with benches,” says Imby, “that’s a given. But the sky’s the limit from there. Green rocks, green picnic tables. Hell, who doesn’t love to smoke the marijuana sticks while going for a swim? We’ll toss some green dye into the Bow River too.”

When asked about the arduous nature of the approval process for these sites, Imby downplayed the issue.

“Listen, this couldn’t be easier. All you need is the approval of half the population of the city of Calgary, every MLA and MP, and the ownership of the Calgary Flames. Have you ever tried to get permission to plant a tree from a homeowners’ association? This is way less work.

“I’m hoping we can dispense with this soon and get to the liquor rezoning issue,” he continued. “Having to walk more than a block from the Calgary municipal building to get a drink really needs to be addressed.”

Also included in the plan is designating spaces at festivals and events for cannabis consumption. A representative for PolkFest, Calgary’s world famous polka festival, was very pleased with the new policy. “Sure, people may be consuming it anyway, but the new system is way better. Why would you bother consuming while watching a show when you can wait in a line twice as long as the beer garden line, be stuffed into a fenced off area and receive disapproving looks from cannabis garden monitors?”

It remains to be seen whether the new regulations will be successful, but one thing is for sure: the future of cannabis consumption is here, and it’s all about inconvenience.

* Public feedback on the satire in this column will be solicited at a Calgary city council hearing, date to be determined.

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