Russia threatens to annex Canada over violated drug treaties

In a move that has shocked the international community, Russia today threatened to annex Canada over issues it sees arising from the legalization of cannabis.

Addressing a group of international reporters from the Kremlin’s press gallery, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Blini stressed that his country will not sit idly by while Canada throws the international order Russians hold so dear into chaos by letting people smoke weed legally.

“Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has said he wants to keep money out of the pockets of organized crime by legalizing Cannabis. This represents a direct affront to Russian democracy, which is founded on the legitimation of organized crime.” Blini told reporters.

Blini went on to imply that Russia will use its significant pull with industrialized western nations and its reputation as an outstanding member of the international community to make sure that the rest of the world denounces Canada’s flagrant violation of international treaties  

“We know we’re not a part of your little cabal of seven anymore, but we’re sure that if we emplore the cabal of seven to put pressure on Canada, they’ll do what we say, or maybe we will elect embarrassing celebrities to their highest offices and annex them too.”

Blini stressed that this is a matter of Russian national security because of the new unsecured trade/smuggling routes that are opening up as the arctic ice pack disappears due to global warming, saying that should legal Canadian weed find its way into the thriving Russian black market via these new channels, it could cause the Russian people to take a step back and decide they no longer wish to be ruled by a secret society of nuclear powered gangsters.

“We simply cannot allow this to happen,” concluded Blini. “This is why, should Canada move ahead with the legalization of cannabis, Russia will have no choice but to stand by as anonymous paramilitary forces occupy Canada and cede it to the Kremlin, which will then promptly install Rick Mercer as Prime Minister. You have been warned.”

* In kleptocrat Russia, satire writes you!

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