Physicians and researchers across Canada are sounding the alarm over new findings showing that the increased interest in the C-45 debate in the House and Senate over the past year is causing Canadians to get sick. Very sick.
Cannabis policy hyperemesis syndrome, as it’s being called, is a condition whereby those who follow cannabis policy closely reach a saturation point and their system can no longer tolerate it. The result usually ends up being aggressive vomiting, fatigue, cynicism, and a desire to move to a small cabin in the woods with no internet and never have to listen to Marilyn Gladu’s annoying voice again.
Dr Alyssa Milano, a medical policy researcher at McGill University’s northern Manitoba satellite, says doctors across Canada are seeing an increase in people experiencing at least some of these symptoms. At first, she says, no one could pinpoint what seemed to be triggering these episodes, until they began noticing all of these people shared one thing: they had all been binge watching CPAC and parlvu for the past year.
“It was eye opening when we all realized the common denominator,” says Milano. “We are seeing hundreds of people coming into their GP, into ERs, complaining that they ‘just can’t take it anymore’. At first we thought it was due to cannabis usage, but after extensive testing showed not cannabinoids in their system, instead showing high levels of screen tan and bad posture from hunching over laptops all day listening to senators and MPs drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on….”
One Canadian suffering from this condition, who asked to be identified only as “the argumentative guy with the sea wolf avatar” says he found himself experiencing CPHS one morning, and hasn’t been able to tune into CPAC since.
“I just woke up one day in agony. I was feverish, vomiting, couldn’t eat, couldn’t see straight, had blurry vision. I tried pushing through it but after a few days I noticed my symptoms really got worse every time I turned on the House or Senate, so I threw my laptop out the window and walked off into the woods for a week. I already feel better. I forgot what the sky even looked like!”
Milano says there’s no known cure for Cannabis policy hyperemesis syndrome, or CPHS, but that nice hot baths and a giant rip from the dab rig seem to do the trick.
“We still have a lot of research to do,” continues Dr Milano, “but our hope is that this bill gets passed in the next few weeks and Canadians can go back to not caring about the House of Commons or politics in Canada in general, until a few months before the 2019 election.”
If you find yourself suffering from cannabis policy hyperemesis syndrome, discontinue watching any CPAC or following twitter for at least 2 weeks, and try to like, go camping or hiking in the woods or something.
* The article is satire but the cure is real.