Chaos erupts across Canada after weed legalization passes

Scenes of post apocalyptic chaos erupted across the nation immediately after the Cannabis Act passed the final level boss in the video game known as Canadian Parliament earlier today.

The Senate finally passed an amended version of the Cannabis Act, and Canadians quickly began flooding the streets like mindless zombies—massive novelty joints hanging from their bottom lips, wearing weed toques and waving giant Canadian flags with a cannabis leaf instead of a maple leaf.

Reports of deaths on the roads across Canada are rolling in as Canadians find themselves consuming too many brownies and then saying “I don’t feel shit” and going for drives through school zones, which are filled with untended children even at this late hour.

Reports of looting, arson, spontaneous jazz music, and loose morals also continue to come in from Halifax to Victoria, from Eagle Plains to Igloolik.

“It’s chaos out here,” said one police chief in Manitoba. “Batters and Gladu told everyone this would happen, but did anyone listen? Noooooo.”

Much of British Columbia is now said to be ablaze, and local officials are urging people not to put hash in their giant novelty spliffs, as this has been attributed to causing several of the large forest fires that are now raging across the province.

Vancouver police are bringing back former Mayor Tom Campbell to ‘crack some hippie skulls’.

“We have to restore law and order to the streets of Vancouver,” said the animated corpse of Campbell. “The root cause of this whole ugly business was some dangerous hippies who were trying to use a marijuana law as an excuse for gathering crowds to taunt and cajole the police.”

Meanwhile, Quebec announced their formal desire to leave Canada and become an official satellite of the Philippines.

“Tabernack!!,” said Quebec Health Minister Gaétan Barrette. “We will not longer be able to stay on as Canadians. Marijuanas are bad and ‘ave none of the life-affirming nutrients of red wine.”

Experts are predicting that the Prime Minister could announce a national state of emergency as early as noon Eastern Time tomorrow. It remains to be seen whether he will uphold his family’s tradition of declaring martial law in Canada.

* This is satire, but hopefully you’re all raising a little hell tonight anyway. Thanks and congratulations to everyone! It’s been a long road.

3 comments

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