Influential Canadian think tank Doolittle and Roquefort released a report earlier today which concludes that, unless the wages of elected officials in this country are tripled over the course of the next 4 years, Canada’s political parties will lose “all but the very least qualified and talented” of their representatives, resulting in a House of Commons filled with nothing but otherwise unemployable English literature and philosophy majors.
“Right now, many of the seats in the house are filed with former managers, lawyers, accountants, career officers, and even a few medical doctors,” says the report. “This is already changing due to the fact that a large number of candidates who might have considered going into politics a few years ago are now being scooped up by the cannabis industry in droves.”
The report cites the numerous ex-politicians and civil servants who have gone on to lucrative careers with licensed medical cannabis producers, and says that the successes of these hires have motivated these producers to gobble up political talent wherever they can.
“This is already undermining talent pools for political parties seeking new representatives for upcoming elections, and as the wages continue to soar for those in the private cannabis sector, it will become more and more difficult for those officials who are already elected to justify sitting through mind-numbing twenty-four hour marathon voting sessions for a paltry six figure salary.
“If this imbalance isn’t corrected soon,” concludes the report, “we predict that there will be no qualified individuals left to fill seats in the house as soon as 2022.”
But this effect isn’t limited to just the highest level of government. According to the report, several federal ministries are already hard pressed to find new staffers, and provincial and municipal politicians are being tapped to deal weed almost as frequently as federal ones.
The report even notes that both Aurora and Auxley have recently begun to send headhunters to both PTA and student council meetings across the country.
* This article was funded by the Satire and Development Corporation (SAND Corp).