Marihuana now legal in Canada!

The Ottawa Senators netted historic legislation today legalizing marijuana in Canada, and Canadians are already flooding the streets of every major Canadian town and city from sea to sea to sea blazing up monster novelty joints prepared by the Prime Minister himself.

“I’m so happy to say that on this day, weed is not not only legal in Canada, but mandatory!”, said the Prime Mister Justin Frudeau, the President of Canada, in a speech outside a dispensary near Parliament Hill.

How we got here

Despite the efforts of many Conservatives to oppose the bill at every turn, often relying on comically absurd concerns like children smoking weed and cooking themselves in a toaster oven, or marijuana plants grown at home becoming able to walk and terrorizing neighbourhoods, the Liberal government was able to recklessly push the bill through in a matter of a few months. Much of this was accomplished by Parliamentary Secretary Bill Blair standing in the House and Senate and glaring menacingly at the opposition until they sat down and shut up.

What now?

While weed is now instantly legal in Canada to possess, smoke and grow, it will still be illegal to buy or sell the dank krippy in Canada until the provinces make dispensaries legal, which they say they need a few months to figure out for some reason.

And even then, pot brownies and dabs and vape pens won’t even be legal. We’ll have to wait a few more years for that. So you’ll only be able to buy marijuana from ginormous corpormorations who sell GMO cannabis that is all forced to only be 5% THC and is all full of radiation, and it will all be like $30 a gram.

Where do I buy marijuana in Canada?

So in the meantime, if you want to find some weed, you’ll have to keep relying on your buddy’s teenage kid to hook you up, or walk down to your local dispensary which remains in a grey area, or order from one of the millions of online cannabis stores available in Canada.

And, real talk, let’s be honest, even once there are legal stores sometime in the fall, we know they’ll sell out of their meagre product selections in a matter of minutes. So either stock up now, or keep your buddy on speed dial, I guess.

The dos and don’ts of legal weed

DO: Smoke weed everywhere, all the time. It’s legal now! Smoke it on the bus, near playgrounds, blow your joint in peoples’ faces. If they get mad, just say it’s legal now, and legalization means I can do whatever the fuck I want!

Don’t: Be a square and buy legal weed. Smoking weed is all about breaking the rules and being a rebel and subverting the dominant paradigm. What could be more of a dominant paradigm than buying weed from the government? It’s your patriotic duty as a cannabis enthusiast to practice the three R’s; Resist, Rebel, Repeat. Only buy weed from people on the side of the road, or from sketchy dispensaries that sell products of unknown origin.

Congrats, Canada! We did it! You’re welcome!

*If you read this whole article and need to be told it’s not real, you might not be tall enough for this ride. Seriously, weed is still not yet legal. Don’t take legal advise from random articles on the internet.  

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