Kathleen Wynne promises to legalize dispensaries if people will just promise not to vote NDP or PC

In a shocking surprise announcement today, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne backtracked on her plans to impose a provincial monopoly on retail cannabis stores if voters will just promise to not vote for the NDP or the PC’s in the June 7 election.

“This is a hard thing to do,” Wynne told reporters in front of a dispensary, at times fighting back tears.

“As much as I love a cumbersome and ineffective provincial monopoly on ANY kind of retail products, if voters will just for the love of god not vote in the NDP or PCs, I double pinky promise I will look into legalizing dispensaries.”

Shortly after, Doug Ford, the PC leader challenging Wynne’s provincial reign, laughed off the premier’s comments.

“I was already for private cannabis retail before I was totally against it,” Ford told assembled reporters. “If Wynne thinks she can steal my own empty promises, she’s got another thing coming!”

Ford has also recently announced his own branded strain of cannabis called Folks.

NDP leader Andrea Horwath, who has skyrocketed past Wynne in the polls in the last few months, said the move is a desperate last minute play to appeal to voters.

“We need more than four cannabis stores if we want to deal with the dangerous criminal elements in the black market,” Horwath told a homeless man outside Wynne’s press conference.

“Plus,” she continued,” these big cannabis growers are stealing our farmland.”

Although the Ontario NDP has been vaguely critical of Wynne’s approach to retail cannabis stores, the Party’s own 98 page platform doesn’t mention marijuana or cannabis even once.

“What we need to do is make Ontario safer, not less safe, better, not worse, and forever, we must twirl towards equivocation,” continued Horwath.

Meanwhile, Ontario Green Party leader Mike Schreiner wants to legalize all dispensaries, but apparently no one cares.

* verp is big tent satire.

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