The Canadian Senate voted today to ban cannabis product ‘swag’ like clothing and promotion items to be sold by cannabis companies, sending so-called ‘Cannaswagaholics’ to fall into deep, deep despair.
The amendment, which had already failed once in a Senate committee, was re-introduced by Conservative Senator Seidman, who said that t-shirts, hats, stickers and other ‘swag’ represented a grave danger to Canadian youth who might be tempted to join ISIS if they see a cannabis company brand logo on a shirt or hat.
“Clothing like shirts and hats and socks and pocket squares with cannabis product names or company brand logos is a dangerous, dangerous precedent to set,” Seidman may or may not have said in the Senate. “We simply cannot allow cannabis companies to sell or give away clothes and stickers. This would basically force youth to smoke weed every day.”
While some Independent Senators pointed out that the regulations had the same limitations as tobacco and alcohol companies, who are allowed to sell and give away so-called ‘swag’, Conservative Senators wanted nothing to do with this comparison.
“Miss me with that bullshit,” said Senator Batshit, sporting a Budweiser scarf and a stylish Marlboro hat. “Everyone knows that we would ban alcohol and tobacco companies from doing the same thing if we could. Conservatives believe in minimal government and a free market, except for all those times when we absolutely oppose it in preference of a nanny state where we radically limit the market and the will of the people.”
“I’m already hearing from people who are absolutely freaking out about what this means for their swag habit,” Alex the Chemist told verp. “This is a dangerous move by the Conservatives aimed directly at the Cannaswagaholic community.”
Health Canada official John Clare had told the Senate Committee last week that such a ban would also prevent stores like the Ontario Cannabis Stores from even displaying signage, but Senator Seidman disputed this, as well.
“That’s a bunch of hogwash,” the Senator may or may not have said. “I haven’t really looked into this. The Conservatives aren’t interested in fixing this bill, just fucking with it because we hate weed and hate the Liberals and will oppose anything they do, no matter what.
“Seriously,” she continued. “If the Liberals refused to jump off a bridge, we would do it, just to spite them!”
Alex the Chemist, President of the Canadian Cannaswagaholics Anonymous Chapter, told verp that his group is organizing an emergency support session for its members.
“I’m already hearing from people who are absolutely freaking out about what this means for their swag habit,” Alex told verp. “This is a dangerous move by the Conservatives aimed directly at the Cannaswagaholic community.”
Luckily, the proposed bill does not apparently extend to cannabis satirical media companies who prefer broccoli and red dot logos.
The amendment could still potentially be rejected by the House, but that remains to be seen.
* This would be satire if it wasn’t true.