Entire Canadian weed industry suddenly on first name basis with Chelsea Handler

Sometime last week the entire Canadian cannabis industry suddenly found itself on a first name basis with world renowned comedian and broadcaster Chelsea Handler.

According to verp analysts, this shift seems to have been brought about by an announcement that Handler will be a keynote speaker at the upcoming World Cannabis Conference, taking place in St. John between June 10–13.

This development has sharply divided the country, with some Canadians thinking that it’s perfectly normal to feel and express familiarity with famous entertainers like Handler, while others feel strongly that, in accordance with Canadian/Victorian stereotypes, someone of her distinct stature and accomplishments deserves the utmost of pomp and reverence.   

According to Frank Freeman, a representative of Canadians Without Social Inhibition (CWSI), Handler should be honoured that the announcement of her visit was met with such candid familiarity. “It’s a sign of warmth and welcome,” says Freeman, “nothing more or less. Why are we even talking about this?”  

But not everyone is so enthusiastic. “This is an affront to our national identity!” says Prudence Piddlepot, who moderates r/oldsock, a subreddit dedicated to antiquated Canadian values. “It’s bad enough that when I say ‘Chesterfield’ no one knows what I’m talking about anymore. Now we’re forgetting our manners? What’s next? If this keeps up, how will we even know we’re Canadian anymore?”

Verp was unable to reach Handler as of press time, but it’s pretty safe to say she doesn’t give a shit either way.

* Even though this is satire, Civilized should pay us $4200 for it. Just sayin’.  

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