Aurora appoints Dr. Phil as Chief Medical Officer

As ever, not to be outdone by Canopy Growth Corp, who announced today the appointment of Dr. Mark Ware as their Chief Medical Officer, Aurora Cannabis Inc. has announced that they have signed the eminently more famous Dr. Phil as their new “Chiefest Medical Officer.”

“Neener Neener Neener” Aurora CEO Terry Booth told verp over the phone, continuing, “that Linton’s cute. I mean sure, Ware is a cannabis research powerhouse, but who is going to take research funded by LPs seriously anyway?

“That’s why we went for Dr. Phil. Everyone knows and trusts the guy, so we can just get him to say pretty much whatever we want and people will believe it, as opposed to Dr. Ware, who will waste time and money on actual research that no one will pay attention to.”

In a public statement earlier today, Dr. Phil expressed his reasoning for leaving the broadcasting industry to pursue a career as a medical professional.

“I have decided that I need to spend more time with my family, and this new Aurora job will do that. Having spent most of my professional life as a broadcaster, this is a bittersweet transition. But I have been assured by my colleagues at Aurora that I won’t be relied upon for any actual medicine. I’ll be more of a mouthpiece of sorts, which will leave me with more than enough time to give my family the attention they deserve after so many years of long hours and exhausted nights. Being a broadcaster really is as stressful and time consuming as people think it is, you know.”  

* Dr. Phil’s slot on CBS will soon be home to the verp cannabis satire hour.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *