Conservative senators throw everything at the wall hoping something will delay legalization

In a last ditch effort to delay or prevent the legalization of cannabis in Canada, Conservatives in the senate today continued to throw things at the wall, hoping some might stick.

The Cannabis Act, the Liberal government’s legalization bill, is currently being reviewed in the Senate Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology (SOCI) before it will be sent back to the Senate on Tuesday, May 29 for further debate until a schedule June 7 vote to send the bill tot he House or reject it entirely.

In a last ditch effort to gut or delay or even tank the bill entirely, Conservative senators on SOCI today continued to throw stacks of random objects at the wall. The random objects were brought in to the committee hearing by the Conservative Party senators, who used their allotted question time to hurl these objects at the wall in hopes that some might stick.

As they began to run out of these objects—which included banana peels, old magazines, videotape copies of the movie Reefer Madness, and small children—the Conservative senators suddenly and uncharacteristically found themselves deeply concerned with economic opportunities in indigenous communities, calling for a delay of one year for all indigenous communities in Canada to be assigned a pot growing facility. They also found themselves suddenly concerned with the potential for strict criminal penalties for people who provide cannabis to Canadians under the age of 18.

Similarly, the senate as a whole has begun to cut out parts of the Liberal government’s onerous companion act to the Cannabis Act, Bill C-46, which makes it illegal to drive if you’ve ever smoked pot in your life. Conservatives, who are normally in love with extending the rights of law enforcement in Canada to do pretty much whatever they want (as long as it doesn’t include limiting people from owning long rifles), decided that allowing police more discretion in dealing with drunk drivers was a bad thing. Many have speculated this was in hopes of delaying C-45 by presenting the House with a gutted C-46, which many feel need to be passed together.

Once Bill C-45 makes it back to the senate from committee, more objects are expected to be thrown at the senate wall by Conservative senators in hopes of delaying or ruining legalization altogether.

“This is our last chance to screw this all up so we can use this failure against Trudeau in next year’s election,” Senator Crankypants, Conservative Senator from northern Saskatchewan told verp in an exclusive interview.

“If we can take out home grows or impose potency limits, we can maybe even get the house to reject what we send them, that would be ideal because then either the government passes gutted legislation or they reject it outright and send the bill back to us to keep debating the issue through the summer. That could mean we could continue to arrest people for many more months, which is just a bonus on top of trying to screw with the Liberals for petty partisan reasons.”

“We’ve been stockpiling random objections for months now and we might as well use them all up! In a few years we’ll all have to pivot to criticizing how small c ‘conservative’ and muted this legislation is as we pander to more ‘free market’ interests.”

After May 31st, the bill will then be debated for a week before a scheduled third reading vote on June 7. If passed at third reading in the senate, the bill will then be sent back to the house for final approval and then to the Governor General for Royal Assent, where the Queen is expected to blaze a fat doobie.

* Verp’s royal satire charter dates back to ancient times. 

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