Cranberry Growth CEO Lucie Clinton and mayor of town she owns slag outdoor at senate committee

The Senate Standing Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology met earlier today to hear from industry stakeholders, including president and CEO of Cranberry Growth Corporation, Lucie Clinton, and the Mayor of Jones’ Rapids ON, the town that Cranberry owns.

Both Clinton and Jones’ Rapids mayor Will Takepenny spoke out extensively against any sort of commercial outdoor cannabis production.

“This will be a disaster for our first-to-market advantage” Clinton told the committee. “All of our greenhouse space is producing cannabis that is unfit for anything other than active pharmaceutical ingredients (APIs) that have been extracted from the plant matter.

“Since large scale outdoor cannabis will also be API grade, and will be orders of magnitude cheaper to produce, If LPs are allowed to grow in scale outdoors, this will effectively mean that every penny we’ve spent on used greenhouse space over the past 5 years will have been wasted, and we will lose our real estate advantage, which is one of our key first-to-market advantages.”

“Aside from this” continued Mayor Takepenny, reading from the same piece of paper that Clinton had been reading from moments before, “we need to consider drift pesticides, and how much harder it is to seed-to-sale track outdoor cannabis, especially when you have to account for the inevitability of weed stealing drones, a harsh reality that Ms. Clinton has already acquainted you all with.”

Takepenny then went on at length about what a boon Cranberry has been to the small town of Jones’ Rapids, describing how the employment and investment the company has brought to the previously troubled community has revitalized it beyond anyone’s wildest dreams.

“Outdoor cannabis production threatens to undo all of that and once again reduce my town to ruins,” he concluded, beginning to weep gently.

* Any resemblances to real people or companies are purely satirical speculations.  

1 Comment

  1. volume on speakers Reply

    This Lucie Clinton person sounds like an frienemy of cannabis.

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