Real estate mogul, gaslighter, and son of the President of the United States of America, Eric Trump, announced earlier today that the eponymous Trump Organization has acquired a high profile piece of real estate in Toronto’s Kensington Market directly across the street from the iconic Foxtrot Cafe, and will be opening a “hemp themed” coffee shop there later this year.
“The business will be a hemp themed coffee shop called Trump’s Toke,” Eric Trump told a crowd of gathered reporters. “It will be a hemp themed coffee shop, with hemp coffee, and hemp milk, and people will be able to smoke and vape hemp while they drink their hemp beverages. Yay hemp!”
However Foxtrot owner operator Annie Spliff, a highly regarded OG member of the Canadian cannabis community, has voiced concerns that the plan has been engineered to literally ‘cut her grass’.
“I’ve been working along with the Trump Organization to advocate for the legalization of cannabis in Canada for decades” Spliff told verp. “I’ve spent years of my life cultivating this weed friendly space in Kensington Market. And now these Trump asshats, people who I considered my friends and allies, think it’s OK to move in across the street and capitalize on all my hard work. It’s sad, honestly. It makes me sad.”
A representative of the Trump Organization told verp that Spliff’s concerns are entirely unfounded, and assured us that while the Foxtrot is a place that people go to have regular coffee and smoke regular cannabis, Trump’s Toke will be entirely hemp specific.
“Trump’s Toke will be focussed on hemp. Everything will be hemp or hemp related. Our coffee will be infused with hemp, and patrons will only be allowed to smoke or vape hemp. We will have minimum wage experts on hand to visually determine if something is ‘hemp’ or ‘the other stuff’ as our forward thinking franchise literature puts it.”
The spokesperson then went on ad nauseum about the value of the Trump Organization, and stressed that the Trump Organization was acting in the spirit of cooperation and coexistence while simultaneously stating carte blanche that Spliff is a liar.
The disagreement has polarized the cannabis community, dividing pseudonymous cannabis activists into two distinct groups: those who give a shit about other people, and those who don’t. It remains to be seen which side will come out on top.
* Cannabis satire always comes out somewhere in the middle.