Trump Organization to open “hemp cafe” in Kensington Market

Real estate mogul, gaslighter, and son of the President of the United States of America, Eric Trump, announced earlier today that the eponymous Trump Organization has acquired a high profile piece of real estate in Toronto’s Kensington Market directly across the street from the iconic Foxtrot Cafe, and will be opening a “hemp themed” coffee shop there later this year.

“The business will be a hemp themed coffee shop called Trump’s Toke,” Eric Trump told a crowd of gathered reporters. “It will be a hemp themed coffee shop, with hemp coffee, and hemp milk, and people will be able to smoke and vape hemp while they drink their hemp beverages. Yay hemp!”  

However Foxtrot owner operator Annie Spliff, a highly regarded OG member of the Canadian cannabis community, has voiced concerns that the plan has been engineered to literally ‘cut her grass’.  

“I’ve been working along with the Trump Organization to advocate for the legalization of cannabis in Canada for decades” Spliff told verp. “I’ve spent years of my life cultivating this weed friendly space in Kensington Market. And now these Trump asshats, people who I considered my friends and allies, think it’s OK to move in across the street and capitalize on all my hard work. It’s sad, honestly. It makes me sad.”

A representative of the Trump Organization told verp that Spliff’s concerns are entirely unfounded, and assured us that while the Foxtrot is a place that people go to have regular coffee and smoke regular cannabis, Trump’s Toke will be entirely hemp specific.

“Trump’s Toke will be focussed on hemp. Everything will be hemp or hemp related. Our coffee will be infused with hemp, and patrons will only be allowed to smoke or vape hemp. We will have minimum wage experts on hand to visually determine if something is ‘hemp’ or ‘the other stuff’ as our forward thinking franchise literature puts it.”    

The spokesperson then went on ad nauseum about the value of the Trump Organization, and stressed that the Trump Organization was acting in the spirit of cooperation and coexistence while simultaneously stating carte blanche that Spliff is a liar.

The disagreement has polarized the cannabis community, dividing pseudonymous cannabis activists into two distinct groups: those who give a shit about other people, and those who don’t. It remains to be seen which side will come out on top.

* Cannabis satire always comes out somewhere in the middle.


  1. Marco

    It’s getting really old watching the ‘new media’ in cannabis shitting on the Emerys. Marc and Jodie Emery have dedicated their lives to helping Canada’s sick and impoverished access medical cannabis in a safe and nurturing environment. To have these newcomers like the ‘Hotbox cafe’ trying to destroy their reputation is nothing short of evil and despicable. This is what communists do. They try and stifle the free market. That’s why Lisa sold out the cannabis community to work with the LPs and the LCBO. The only people looking out for the interests of the common man are Marc and Jodie emery and those other selfless heros at Cannabis Culture who are the ones getting shut out of this new ‘legalization’ aka Prohibition 2.0.

  2. Steve

    This is really pathetic. The difference between the Emery’s and Trump, is they actually worked for, risked and served jail time for, fought tooth and nail for, what they have. The only way to stop a movement is to divide members………I’dd say the government has succeeded in its mission wouldn’t you??

    • A realist

      Is that why Marc abandoned Jodie and didn’t give her a dime to pay her court fees from the millions he bragged about making from his shitty dispensaries where he charged people $14 a gram for BC mids, Steve? You drank the kool-aid, my friend. That’s how cults work.

  3. d jr

    Guys chilly willy on the Trumpy Bumpy it’s so FOX NEWS and lowbrow and anti American, like posting on the internet as the source of all frustrations everyday huh?

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