Dr. Bertha Madras lists credentials to senate committee before shouting “DOOOOM!” over and over again

In an appearance before the Senate Standing Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology, crackerjack expert drug policy fearmonger extraordinaire Dr. Bertha Madras did what she does best and spent several breathless minutes listing her credentials before advising the committee that cannabis legalization will be pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened.  

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” shouted Dr. Madras for about 30 seconds, before going on to continue listing even more credentials.

Having thoroughly established her credibility to the committee and everyone else beyond any doubt, she went on to list a litany of uncontextualized, un-cited, unsupported ‘facts’ that clearly demonstrated that, despite what the other three witnesses at the meeting were saying, cannabis legalization really is a terrible idea.

A widely acclaimed psycho-bio-chemist, Dr. Madras went on to use vague references to sociological, political, epidemiological, economic and any other theories outside of her narrow scientific specialization that were convenient to her point that cannabis will completely destroy society as we know it.

“This is exactly what the senate needs to hear,” says Sam McCool, president of Predictable Approaches to Marijuana (PAM) Canada. “I feel a lot better about not being able to speak to the committee myself knowing that there was such a sober and profoundly well-informed person as Dr. Madras there to speak on behalf of predictable people everywhere.”

Thankfully for the legalization initiative, Amy Margolis, executive director of the Oregon Cannabis Association, was there alongside fellow reasonable human beings Andrew Freedman, the former director of the Colorado Marijuana Coordination, and Beau Kilmer’s goatee, the co-director of RAND corp’s Drug Policy Research Center.

Between the three of them, they made a pretty clear argument that Dr. Madras was full of shit. Here’s hoping the senate agrees.

* Cases of cannabis satire in Colorado and Washington have drastically reduced since legalization.  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *