BREAKING: Linton leaves Canopy to pursue career in fast food

Cannabis insiders were shocked earlier today when it was revealed that Canopy Growth CEO Bruce Linton has left the weed industry to pursue a career in fast food.

Linton spoke exclusively with verp over the phone to set the record straight about this groundshaking development.

“The plain and simple fact is that I just missed working with my hands,” said Linton. “It’s been all site tours and boardrooms and three star dinner meetings for the past few years. I was at my breaking point. I really needed to roll up my sleeves and get dirty before I went nuts from all the high level executive mumbo-jumbo.”

Mr. Linton also told verp “if there’s one thing I like more than weed, it’s hamburgers.” According to Linton, he’s dreamed of being a burger chef since he first started working as the executive of a multibillion dollar company. “People think being a CEO is glamorous, but they’re wrong. The truth is, as a CEO, you don’t really do anything but wear a suit and shake hands. You don’t make anything. You pay other people to make stuff. I miss making stuff.”

However, according to an anonymous source within Canopy, this wasn’t just a matter of Mr. Linton needing to get some fresh air.

“It’s all this nonsense about outdoor grows,” says our source. “Bruce is freaking out about drones stealing outdoor weed. It’s been keeping a lot of us up at night, not the least of all Bruce. Honestly, between this and our recent market performance, more power to him. You can’t put a price on mental health.”

Linton tells verp that his plan his to work his way up to day manager at the Smiths Falls McDonald’s to gain experience, after which he will trade in his WEED shares for hard cash to start his own empire of burger franchises.

On an unrelated note, Terry Booth, CEO of Aurora, has apparently bought the Toronto Raptors.

* Satire is another great way to relieve the stress of being a muck a muck. 

Leave a Reply