The Vancouver Parks Board has declared a national emergency in the wake of a giant pot festival that took place at a Vancouver park on April 20th, citing concerns with a park “being used by people.”
The annual clutching-of-pearls by the Vancouver Park Board is a tradition in Vancouver, always taking place after the traditional libertarian-free-market-rally-masquerading-as-a-cannabis-protest that is the annual Vancouver 420 event.
The members of the Park Board made their traditional pilgrimage out to Sunset Beach on Saturday, April 21 to inspect the grass and mud and point out tiny bits of litter that they say are akin to a ‘terrorist attack’. The Libertarian weedfest known as Vancouver 420 has been held at Sunset Beach since 2016 when it was forced to move from its previous location at the Vancouver Art Gallery, affectionately called the VAG because its shape resembles a woman’s genitals.
Vancouver Park Board Chair Sarah Kirby-Yung says the negative impact of 25-40,000 people milling about on the grass and selling weed without a permit should be treated as a terrorist attack and is asking for aid from Amnesty International and the UN.
“The scene today at Sunset Beach is like Omaha Beach in 1944,” said Kirby-Yung to a crowd of reporters assembled at the beach taking pictures of cigarette butts. “This wanton destruction of our beaches is shameful and sows fear in the hearts of Vancouver residents. We are asking the UN to declare Vancouver a disaster zone so we can get begin to rebuild our lives.”
Event organizers, however, say the concerns are unfounded and that the event pays for clean up themselves and “everything except the police, who shouldn’t have been there to keep tabs on the more than one million people who attended. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”
“We clean up after ourselves! It’s our park, too!” says Dana Larsen, who totally doesn’t make any money from this non profit event and doesn’t profit from the international exposure it brings his business.
Jodie Emery, a spokesperson connected to the Ayn Rand-inspired Libertarian free market organization called Cannabis Culture, says the event doesn’t need permits because the event organizers are tax paying protesters.
“We pay taxes like everyone else in Vancouver and that means we can have this event where we sell boothes without a permit,” yelled Emery into a megaphone during a phone interview with verp. “Sure, we sell hundreds of booths at $450 a spot for people to sell illegal products, but that money goes to activism like paying for entertainers like E-40. We don’t make any money on this event we charge people money for because we’re really bad at business, so it’s not actually a for-profit event, even when you count all the free publicity.”
“If the Liberal fat cats at the Vancouver Park Board want to shut down a peaceful protest, what next? Sending us all to internment camps?” Emery yelled into the phone through her megaphone, accidentally hitting the alarm button several times.
Vancouver 420 is expected to continue for years to come as Vancouver City Council and Police shrug their shoulders and say ‘meh’. Mayor Gregor Roberts was unavailable for comment. An assistant said he was taking a week to enjoy a relaxing spa with a cucumber facial.
* The market for satires is tax free and unregulated, perfect for libertarians and easy on parks.