Even though the market for marijuana has been thriving for decades, with people willing to buy just about anything the dealer down the street has on hand, today’s legal weed marketeers say no one will buy their weed if they are limited by the colours and logos they can put on a package.
“Look, if we could figure out how to grow good weed, this packaging issue wouldn’t be a big deal.” says Morris Jackson, Chief Hype Man (CHM) at Investors’ Acres, an LP based in Ontario. “But try as we might, we’ve yet to get a single good crop. So if we can’t grow weed, then we need something good to package it in!”
Tyler Goodman, Master Grower at Investors’ Acres agrees. Goodman says he overestimated his ability to grow quality cannabis, and now says the only way to get people to buy it is to package it in literal gold.
“Look, man, I’m doing my best. But it turns out weed isn’t actually ‘exactly the same’ as growing marigolds and tomatoes with my grandma. I mean, I can’t even smoke this stuff. It’s bad. And that means we need some next-level packaging or legalization will fail and everyone will keep using the black market.
“You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.”
Jackson says Investors’ Acres spent the last year developing a “packaging integration protocol” that includes holograms, embedded music-playing microchips, flashing neon lights, and “scratch and sniff technology.”
“We’ve spent millions over the past year designing packaging that will mask the inferior quality of our cannabis, and now the federal government nanny state comes marching in in their jackboots and demands we can only use one colour and have to have tacky warning labels and stuff? This is basically Stalinist Russia.”
* Stalinist Russia except you can write satire without being sent to Siberian jail.