Legal cannabis industry argues their weed such low quality that they need literal bells and whistles to sell it

Even though the market for marijuana has been thriving for decades, with people willing to buy just about anything the dealer down the street has on hand, today’s legal weed marketeers say no one will buy their weed if they are limited by the colours and logos they can put on a package.

“Look, if we could figure out how to grow good weed, this packaging issue wouldn’t be a big deal.” says Morris Jackson, Chief Hype Man (CHM) at Investors’ Acres, an LP based in Ontario. “But try as we might, we’ve yet to get a single good crop. So if we can’t grow weed, then we need something good to package it in!”

Tyler Goodman, Master Grower at Investors’ Acres agrees. Goodman says he overestimated his ability to grow quality cannabis, and now says the only way to get people to buy it is to package it in literal gold.

“Look, man, I’m doing my best. But it turns out weed isn’t actually ‘exactly the same’ as growing marigolds and tomatoes with my grandma. I mean, I can’t even smoke this stuff. It’s bad. And that means we need some next-level packaging or legalization will fail and everyone will keep using the black market.

“You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.”

Jackson says Investors’ Acres spent the last year developing a “packaging integration protocol” that includes holograms, embedded music-playing microchips, flashing neon lights, and “scratch and sniff technology.”

“We’ve spent millions over the past year designing packaging that will mask the inferior quality of our cannabis, and now the federal government nanny state comes marching in in their jackboots and demands we can only use one colour and have to have tacky warning labels and stuff? This is basically Stalinist Russia.”

* Stalinist Russia except you can write satire without being sent to Siberian jail.


  1. SkyHook Reply

    “Your comment is awaiting moderation.”
    What is this, Stalinist Russia ?

  2. Fred Reply

    This is pathetic!
    Finance me/pay me and I’ll grow you some primo Cannabis!
    *has to be a legal enterprise…*

    Honestly, if you don’t know how to grow Cannabis, don’t get in the business, or employ a grower that has experience…experience with actual Cannabis!

    Also, growing Cannabis is one of the easiest thing to do…it grows on it’s own…
    Growing AAA-AAAA grade is where expertise comes in handy.

    But I truly wonder which companies are the ones who grow such bad weed (I hate the term but it seems to be deserved in this case) that they need to employ tactics that borders on lying and misrepresentation of the product…

    What sucks though is to hear that my dream job is being done by wannabes and dumbasses with no experience and on top pf that, it apparently gives the legal market a bad name…

  3. Dave Reply

    The black market will never die because legal weed will be way to expensive

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