Tantalus acquires extensive patents on using the sun to grow weed

Tantalus CEO Dan Sutton dealt a huge blow to the Canadian cannabis industry earlier today when he announced that his firm has acquired extensive patent rights around using “solar and solar-derived energies” to produce cannabis in Canada.

“We’ve been all about hashtag sungrown since day one” Sutton told a gathering of reporters outside Tantalus’ Maple Ridge BC facility. “And, without question, we’ve put that philosophy to practice here at Sunlab 1. But that was just to distract everyone from our real revenue model, which is to patent troll the shit out of the entire Canadian cannabis industry.

“Today we’ve completed our first major step in this process. From here on out, any Canadian cannabis producers who use solar or solar derived energies to grow their product must pay a royalty to Tantalus of no less than one dollar per gram produced.”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the Canadian cannabis industry, where LPs are already stressed about government taxes and packaging requirements totally ruining any chance they ever had at competing with the black market.

“And let me be clear—we’re not just talking about greenhouses and solar panels here, people,” Sutton continued. “We’re also talking about soar-derived energies. Since none of you are nuclear rocket scientists like I am, let me spell it out for you. This includes hydroelectricity, wind, and fossil fuel sources.

“How do you think all that water gets into the air to rain down on the mountains and fill hydro reservoirs? The sun lifts it up. What makes the wind move? The sun. How do you think all that energy got into fossil fuels? The sun—prehistoric plants took sunlight and put it into the carbohydrates that now make up oil, coal, and natural gas. So there you have it people. If you want to avoid paying our royalty, you’re going to need to be within mainline distance of nuclear or geothermal power plants. Good luck with that.”

It’s important to note that all three currently operational nuclear power plants in Canada are located in the east, and they only produce a small fraction of the energy it would take to grow enough cannabis to satisfy Canadian markets, let alone future international demand.

This limitation, as well as a moratorium on the construction of new nuclear plants and a lack of significantly developed geothermal resources, seems to mean that Mr. Sutton and his team have the entire Canadian cannabis industry bent over the proverbial barrel.

* Here comes the satire.


  1. Blazing Sun Patent LawCo Reply

    Mr. Verp, please cease and desist Red Dot usage as it represents a blazing sun Trademark violation!

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