Cannabis Wheaton Income acquires 51% equity stake in verp media

Verp media and Cannabis Wheaton Income have announced that the latter has purchased a 51% equity stake in the former for a total of $5 million.

“That’ll shut those f**kers up!” Wheaton CEO Chuck Rifici told a roomful of elated investors. “They’ve been spilling my beans long enough. From now on, the only one getting verped around here is going to be Bruce Linton.”

According to an agitated homeless man who happened to be dancing and singing outside the investors meeting, verp executives had been secretly meeting with representatives of Canopy Growth Corporation for months, and a backroom deal had been struck whereby Canopy would give Don de Cosmos and Corey Balderdaski all the shitty weed they could smoke for free as long as they kept the verpage pointed squarely in Mr. Rifici’s direction.

Not to be out-verped by Mr. Linton, Mr. Rifici used his pull with various masonic lodges and intelligence agencies to arrange a secret meeting with Don and Corey where he explained to them that, if they were willing to sell a controlling interest in verp media to Cannabis Wheaton Income, they could then use that cash to buy proper decent weed on the black market. Lots and lots of it.

“This deal is better for us than it looks” said Don de Cosmos. “I mean, five mil is a lot of scratch, buys a lot of weed. But the real kicker is that Rifici plays poker. I stand to make billions in the long run. Billions. With a B.”

The deal includes the acquisition of verp’s sister site, thebroccoli.ca.

Corey Balderdaski was unavailable for comment as of press time, and was last seen handcuffed to a briefcase, boarding a flight from Calgary International Airport to the Cayman Islands.

* This is obviously satire: everyone knows verp is worth at least 20 million.

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