Quebec to force cannabis consumers to watch Reefer Madness and listen to Celine Dion to discourage use

Recreational cannabis users in Quebec will have to be licensed by the province before they can buy weed legally according to documents obtained by verp earlier today.

The documents indicate that, in order to make sure that individuals are aware of the risks and dangers associated with cannabis use, as well as to make sure that they can “handle their high in an appropriate and lawful fashion” all Quebec residents who wish to acquire a license will need to first undergo a series of “mild indoctrinations” and ability tests.

The indoctrination portion of the licensing process will begin with a screening of the highly popular educational film, Reefer Madness, followed by a marathon of anti-drug TV ads from the 1980’s and early 90’s. Upon successfully completing a multiple choice test based on these materials, users will be required to drink at least one glass of wine while listening to a five minute lecture from Lucie Charlebois, Quebec’s Minister for Rehabilitation, Youth Protection & Public Health, about not being stoned all day, every day, and how to keep kids from eating cannabis plants.

Once these requirements have been met, the licensee will be granted a Class 1 Recreational Cannabis Licence, which will enable them to purchase up to one gram of cannabis at a time, and to use it at their home or another private residence. Class 1 licences will not allow holders to be under the influence of cannabis in public, and being caught doing so will result in up to $5000 in fines on first offence.  

In order to obtain a Class 2 licence, which authorises its holder to be under the influence of cannabis in public spaces (though it must still be consumed in private), and to purchase up to 5 grams at a time, users will need to pass a series of mental and physical aptitude tests while wearing a large cumbersome suit that has been designed to mimic the effects of “extreme cannabis intoxication.

The suits will weigh approx 25 kg, and come equipped with sound refracting headgear and groovy space distorting tunnel vision goggles. Applicants will be made to wear these suits through a “moderately difficult” boot camp style obstacle course, directly after which they will be given a series of random trivia questions. If they complete the course in under 5 minutes and get at least 80% of the trivia questions correct, they will be granted a Class 2 license, which will allow them to legally be stoned in public.

The documents outline additional factors be implemented by the safety-minded Quebec government.

For example, shopkeepers at Depaniers (Quebec style convenience stores) will not be allowed to sell alcoholic energy beverages like FCKD UP and 4 Loco to customers if they suspect the customer has been smoking cannabis.

Also, wait times at cannabis retail stores will be deliberately protracted by only allowing one customer at a time in each store. The document postulates that this will give people extra time to think about whether or not they really want to get high while they wait in line.

In order to make customers regret entering cannabis stores as much as possible, all stores will be mandated to play the French version of My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion at max volume on a loop while they are open (with a special caveat that this will not be required if Celine Dion herself is actually in the store doing a live performance of the song).

The government of Quebec fully intends to have all of these systems in place by the time legalization takes effect this summer (if we’re lucky).

*C’est Satire. Ne pas consommer autour des enfants.

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