Newly minted Ontario Progressive Conservative leader Doug Ford announced today that he will be partnering with a licensed cannabis producer to release a Ford-branded strain of cannabis called Folks®.
Ford’s announcement was made at the end of a press conference where the new leader discussed his plans for completely de-regulating all industries in Ontario and opening them to the free market.
“…and that’s how removing all workers’ rights, wage requirements, and environmental protections will bring jobs back to Ontario,” said Ford. “Lastly, before I go, I would like to announce that I am soon partnering with a licensed cannabis producer to release my new branded cannabis strain called Folks®, in honour of my late brother Rob Ford, one of the biggest cannabis connoisseurs in all of Canadian history.”
Ford then kicked over the podium, insulted the CBC, punched a puppy, and walked off to have a cigarette.
The partnering licensed cannabis grower has not yet been named, but sources close to the Ford camp says it rhymes with ‘Zennabiss’.
“Today is an exciting day for the hashtag FordNation,” said Ford spokesman Kelly Kellerson. “The Ford name is already closely associated with cannabis and other drugs, so this was an obvious choice for Doug to make. We’re excited to offer more details in the coming weeks.”
Folks® is said to be a heavy indica variety with sedating effects that will keep progressive and liberal voters stuck at home on the couch watching Rick and Morty on election day so that Ford can sweep the election.
Although cannabis concentrates like hash are not expected to be included in Canada’s cannabis regulations for another year, industry insiders say the Ford team is in secret talks with a licensed producer to look at making hash as a non-extracted cannabis product that would allow the new Folks® strain to also be offered in hash form on day one of legalization. Whenever the hell that actually is.
A spokesperson for Kathleen Wynne commented that Ford’s suggested plan of selling pot in private retail stores will cause Canadian youth to join ISIS.
“Doug Ford’s plan to allow private retail cannabis stores is a dangerous, slippery slope to the dismantling of our entire democracy,” said the spokesperson, literally clinging to a handful of pearls.
*Folks, this is just some dank ‘ol free market satire.