Doug Ford says he knows how to sell weed better than Kathleen Wynne

Hot on the heels of winning the Progressive Conservative leadership race in Ontario, Doug Ford announced his plans to replace Kathleen’s Wynne’s plans to hand over cannabis sales to the LCBO.

Ford wasted no time taking on the controversial issue of the province’s monopoly on cannabis sales, evoking his famous brother and former mayor of Toronto, the late Rob Ford, and promising a more innovative private/public hybrid retail system.

“Kathleen Wynne knows nothing about selling cannabis,” Ford told a crowd at a press conference in Kensington Market shortly after the announcement of his victory. “My brother Rob, God rest his soul, and myself, we both sold hash for years in Toronto. We understand this market and this product. That’s why I want to announce my plans to open the market here in Ontario to private retail dispensaries, pool-hall operators, motorcycle clubs, as well as taxi drivers—but not Uber. Uber will be a thing of the past in Ontario.”

Ford also said he plans to allow the LCBO (operating as the OCS) to sell cannabis in competition with these other businesses.

Appearing with the new PC leader, Toronto city councillor Jim Karygiannis echoed Ford’s sentiment, saying that unlicensed, rogue business like Uber should not be allowed to operate in Ontario, but that rogue, unlicensed business like dispensaries should.

“Kathleen Wynne and Toronto Mayor John Tory are trying to build a monopoly for their liberal cronies, but dispensaries are legal, just not regulated. This was proven in the Supreme Court Case that made them legal—unlike Uber, which is bad because it’s not regulated or legal.”

“I support Doug Ford’s goal of trust-busting this LCBO monopoly and opening this industry up to these legal, unregulated dispensaries and taxi drivers” continued the pro-life city councillor and former Liberal MP, before leaving to lead an angry mob to flush out cannabis home grows that ostensibly supply the dispensaries he supports.

“If there’s a grow house, we’ll knock on that door,” yelled the former Liberal MP. “If he’s a constituent, I will represent him, if it’s not a suspected grow house. If it is, I call the police.”

As Karygiannis lead the mob away through a fog of smoke and pitchforks, Ford told those who stayed behind that he also plans on branding his own line of hash, called Consigliere, and banning abortion.

The 42nd Ontario general election is scheduled to be held on or before June 7, 2018 and is already looking eerily like the 2016 US presidential election.

*This satirical article was made legal in a 2012 Supreme Court case


  1. Boston John Reply

    Good! It’s about time we got crooked Kathleen out of her ivory tower. No more weed monopoly! Give this industry to the pioneers who created cannabis like Mark Emory. FORD NATION!!!!

  2. Benny and the Jets Reply

    Doug Ford is what this country needs to Take Canada Back. First Ontario, then all of Canada! No more of Trudeau’s virtue signalling and selling us off to China. Old Stock Canada is BACK, baby!

    • Made in Canada Trump DOUG FORD Reply

      Old stock Canada …. Take Canada Back … yuck.

      Whats next … Make Ontario Great Again?

  3. CP Reply

    Yeah, a (former) high-school “brains trust” /dealer for Premier? Want to talk corruption, talk FORD and co. 4 years of one brother did in Toronto; he gets his hands on the Provincial treasury and watch out!
    Assholes shouldn’t run for politics!

    • Benny Reply

      Nice try, Kathleen Wynne. But your Liberal government is not in line with what Canadians want. We want lower taxes and no nanny-state fake legalization prohibition 2.0! #FordNation

      • Lenord Nemo Reply

        I love lower taxes gives corporations to take over and privatize everything so down the road we can lose control and more out of pocket win win

        • Bernie Slander Reply

          Right? Who cares about public infrastructure and good paying jobs. Yay for corporations running roughshod over public coffers that benefit public services! Woohoo!

    • Brian Reply

      Rob Ford was great for Toronto! The guy did even take a pay check. I’m done for change and Doug Ford is about change. He’s down for the working place. FORD NATION ALL THE WAY!!!!!!

      • nic Reply

        This is written exactly how I would expect a FORD nation jamoke to attempt it…

  4. victor Reply

    its amazing how people just believe what they want im a huge proponent of cannabis been smoking it for 30 years to deal with adhd so I know it has medicinal value but I wonder what these folks that have made the above comments are smoking cause it says at the bottom of this commentary that the comments are satire LMAO so ok you great again believers you have posted your very informed opinions you can go back to watching fox news now.

    • Ron Reply

      And this is how the rumour mill gets started and how misinformation spreads like wildfire! Sheeple at their finest!

      Welcome to generation #fakepeople

  5. Randall Patrick Reply

    Barf, the articles content matches the green colour border

  6. PJ Reply

    What is this ‘take Canada back’ bullshit? It hasn’t gone anywhere. Nobody has stolen it. It is as corrupt under a Conservative govt. as it is under a Lib govt. Fucking regressive, dipshit, authoritarian loving turds really do not know what they are spouting.

  7. Mary Stockton Fletcher Reply

    Satire eh….kinda like “Fake News”??!!!! HAHAHAHAHA

  8. Randy Reply

    LOL ya & they got that hash from me LOL if your interested, or want some.

  9. Susan Craigie Reply

    I wonder if Boston John is a Russian agitator or just a misogynistic idiot?

  10. Made in Canada Trump DOUG FORD Reply

    “Doug Ford says he knows how to sell weed better than Kathleen Wynne”

    This is the ONLY thing I will agree with Doug Ford on … as he was a drug dealer, he would know best.

  11. dylan Reply

    Today, I went to tһe beach front with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 yеar oⅼd dauɡhter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shеll
    to her ear and screameⅾ. There wаs a hermіt crаb inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know thіs is tοtally off topic but
    I had to tell someone!

  12. Richview Collegiate Reply

    It’s funny because it’s true. Scarlett, Richview, Burnhamthorpe. He supplied us all in the 80’s. In the late 80’s he left a piece shaped like a hockey puck but bigger on the dash of my truck. He was pretty out of it, stoned on something more than hash, and he had been warming his hands there. I didn’t notice iuntil a few miles down the road and I drove back and returned it (didn’t want to get beat up)! What concerns me is that the Dude was a C student at best.

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