Hot on the heels of winning the Progressive Conservative leadership race in Ontario, Doug Ford announced his plans to replace Kathleen’s Wynne’s plans to hand over cannabis sales to the LCBO.
Ford wasted no time taking on the controversial issue of the province’s monopoly on cannabis sales, evoking his famous brother and former mayor of Toronto, the late Rob Ford, and promising a more innovative private/public hybrid retail system.
“Kathleen Wynne knows nothing about selling cannabis,” Ford told a crowd at a press conference in Kensington Market shortly after the announcement of his victory. “My brother Rob, God rest his soul, and myself, we both sold hash for years in Toronto. We understand this market and this product. That’s why I want to announce my plans to open the market here in Ontario to private retail dispensaries, pool-hall operators, motorcycle clubs, as well as taxi drivers—but not Uber. Uber will be a thing of the past in Ontario.”
Ford also said he plans to allow the LCBO (operating as the OCS) to sell cannabis in competition with these other businesses.
Appearing with the new PC leader, Toronto city councillor Jim Karygiannis echoed Ford’s sentiment, saying that unlicensed, rogue business like Uber should not be allowed to operate in Ontario, but that rogue, unlicensed business like dispensaries should.
“Kathleen Wynne and Toronto Mayor John Tory are trying to build a monopoly for their liberal cronies, but dispensaries are legal, just not regulated. This was proven in the Supreme Court Case that made them legal—unlike Uber, which is bad because it’s not regulated or legal.”
“I support Doug Ford’s goal of trust-busting this LCBO monopoly and opening this industry up to these legal, unregulated dispensaries and taxi drivers” continued the pro-life city councillor and former Liberal MP, before leaving to lead an angry mob to flush out cannabis home grows that ostensibly supply the dispensaries he supports.
“If there’s a grow house, we’ll knock on that door,” yelled the former Liberal MP. “If he’s a constituent, I will represent him, if it’s not a suspected grow house. If it is, I call the police.”
As Karygiannis lead the mob away through a fog of smoke and pitchforks, Ford told those who stayed behind that he also plans on branding his own line of hash, called Consigliere, and banning abortion.
The 42nd Ontario general election is scheduled to be held on or before June 7, 2018 and is already looking eerily like the 2016 US presidential election.
*This satirical article was made legal in a 2012 Supreme Court case