Canadian weed activists upset legalization “not cool”

Prominent Canadian legalization activist Rufus Vaughn Witherspoon says at first he was excited by the prospect of the Canadian government legalizing cannabis. He even voted for the first time ever in the 2015 election, throwing his support to Justin Trudeau.

But now Witherspoon says he’s grown disillusioned with “phoney legalization” and the Liberal government.  

“Justin lied to us, man” the well known pot activist tells verp. “First he was going to legalize, but now he’s making more new laws. I’m supposed to believe that’s legalization? That’s not legalization.”

Witherspoon says that people like him who have dedicated the vast majority of their lives to smoking cannabis are being forced out of the industry that they helped create, and that the Trudeau government tricked them into believing legalization would be cool.

“When Justin first announced he supported legalization, not decriminalization, we were all really stoked. Sure, he talked about ‘strictly regulating’ it and ‘keeping it away from kids’, but we all figured he was just fronting to keep all the has-been old white squares in rural Alberta from getting pissed off.”

“But now?” continues the mustachioed marijuana maven, “it’s looking like he tricked us when he used that language by actually meaning what he said! I would have never voted for tricky Justin if I had known he was serious about this whole ‘strictly regulate and restrict access’ thing. It’s a classic bait and switch!”

To push against this betrayal, Witherspoon says his live-in girlfriend, Tina Rockfield, will be running for city council in their hometown of Chilliwack BC. Rockfield is also a well known cannabis advocate in Canada, beloved for the comic relief she provides through her regular appearances in the otherwise humourless mainstream Canadian news media.

“I’m ready to pick up the torch of Liberty and Freedom and let it blaze brightly in BC” says Rockfield, who runs a chain of successful Claire’s franchises that operate in malls across Western Canada. “We’re going to take the money we’ve earned at our stores and use it to fund my political campaign. Why would I run a large chain of successful retail businesses if I wasn’t going to put every last cent into far-fetched political schemes?”

“First, we’ll be buying a tour bus and an office for my campaign,” continues Rockfield, “and then use the rest of the funds for staff, t-shirts, hats—things like that.”

The two activists say their hope is to make cannabis cool again.

“I got into smoking weed when I was 19 because I quickly discovered a whole new identity with it,” explains Rockfield. “Once I started smoking pot, suddenly I was welcomed into a world where everyone accepts you for who you are, as long as you are a cliche of a 70’s era counter-culture warrior.”

“That’s really what cannabis is all about,” she continues, “and that’s what legalization should be about, too. Right now we have politicians who aren’t even cool who are trying to make rules for cannabis. But they need to hire cool people like me and my husband to make this happen.”

“I bet Trudeau doesn’t even own any clothes with pot leaves on them, or a Bob Marley poster. THAT is what this culture is all about. If you smoke weed, you have to wear it on your sleeve. Literally.”

“This culture is about breaking the law and if they make pot smoking legal, how are we supposed to be outlaws? As far as I’m concerned, our work won’t be complete until Bob Marley is on the Canadian flag, and every episode of The National begins with a 20 minute segment where you just watch the anchors get high as fuck and cough their brains out—otherwise it’s fake legalization.”

*The Canadian Satire Association rates this as a 7

4 comments

  1. Eric Hanson Reply

    More fake legalization from the virtue-signalling Liberal government who want to sell us out to China. Vote Conservative and Make Canada Great Again.

  2. Boston John Reply

    Back in my day, you had to truly care about the sacred herb if you wanted to get it you had to try hard and had to know a guy and squares weren’t allowed. Nowadays every nerd in a suit smokes weed.

    It’s cultural appropriation.

  3. Carol Francey Reply

    This does not help the movement. Stereotypical lies about “pot heads”. Please give us substance. There truly is a lot of work to be done. I hope few read this. Discrimination justifications throughout it. Sad. ““This culture is about breaking the law and if they make pot smoking legal, how are we supposed to be outlaws? “

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