EXPERT: Canopy Growth worth handful of jellybeans and two cows

If you’re thinking now might be a good time to double down on your WEED shares, one expert says you shouldn’t play your hand just yet.

George Tarfeather spoke with verp earlier today about a report released by Tarfeather Venture Group which, after an exhaustive analysis, criticized Canopy’s “shotgun” approach to acquiring pre-revenue and pre-profit businesses, and concluded that recent price corrections on the stock following a “grossly inflated” $200 million investment from Constellation Brands are only just the beginning.

“They took all them greenbacks from Constellation,” Tarfeather told verp, “which shot their perceived value into the strat-toe-sphere. And what are they doing with all that money? They’re making it rain on every little dry-gulch tumbleweed-infested startup in sight, spreading themselves thinner than a stick-bug on stilts.”

“People who are considering investing in Canopy need to stop and consider that, at least in the case of weedstocks, size ain’t everything” Tarfeather warns. “All I’m saying is look at the goddamn DINO-saurs. They got too big for their own britches, started using more than their share of the land’s wealth, and look how they wound up. And no one ever got rich investing in no dinosaurs. No sir.”

“Of course,” added the frenzied analyst, “like with dinosaurs, we might-could extract some icky sticky crude from Canopy’s faw-soh-lized remains at some point down the road.”

When asked what he thought a reasonable price bottom looks like for WEED shares, Tarfeather chuckled violently for a moment before catching his breath. “Son,” he replied “this time next year I reckon them Canopy folks ‘ll be lucky to get a handful of jellybeans and two dry old Holstein heiffers for the whole dang company. Heck, I probably wouldn’t even take that deal.”

* Hold yer horses partner! This here’s just a bit of good ol’ fashioned down-home satire. 

Featured image courtesy of Joe Thomissen via Flickr.


  1. Bob Reply

    Why do 90 LPs only have 250,000 customers after 4 years running a monopoly?

    Their cannabis is junk!

    Their vegetable oil is capped at 3% THC compared to 90% from grey market craft growers.

    • Hyde Reply

      If the government LP cronies had a clue they would just open a storefront and sell weed. But they are cowards who hide behind so-called ‘regulations’. Why would I use an LPee when I can just walk down to my buddy’s house?

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