After witnessing the recent launch into space of Elon Musk and SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy rocket, along with its over-the-top Tesla Roadster payload, Canada’s largest licensed producers of cannabis have federated in an unprecedented move.
Canopy Growth Corp, Aurora Cannabis Inc., and Aphria Inc. have linked arms to announce the first interstellar greenhouse project.
Surprisingly, the only contentious issue in this groundbreaking project has been the naming.
The project has been named C.A.C.A., which stands for Canadian Aurora Canopy Aphria.
Vic Neufeld, CEO of Aphria, had posited that the most profitable company should be listed first— but Canopy CEO Bruce Linton reasoned names should be listed by market share, while Cam Battley, COO of Aurora, put his vote in for share count. The ideas were written on hemp-derived parchment and put into a toque, with the winner selected at random.
Mr. Battley has confirmed that the 10 million square foot orbiting greenhouse will be “the next generation” and “the largest of its kind.” Mr. Linton has promised that, with this first mover advantage, CACA will be able to deliver anywhere in the Milky Way. Also, Mr. Neufeld has promised EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization) positive operations by the second harvest.
All three partners were ecstatic about the recent CDS and CSE MOU on share clearing of Canadian LP’s with US assets. With US assets now in play, at least on the CSE, CACA reached out to legendary United States of America astronaut Buzz Aldrin to helm corporate outreach. The 88 year old colonel of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module was pleased to come out of retirement to pilot this project. WeedMD had previously been pursuing him as a spokesman, but CACA was too big of an opportunity for him to pass up.
In order to back Aldrin up and properly engineer its Space Crop 1 genetics, CACA also consulted Dr. Jonathan Page of Anandia Labs. Dr. Page commented that Anandia is “presently growing cannabis in soil, rockwool, aeroponically, and aquaponically—so growing in zero gravity shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
“Great Scott!” Page continued, “think of how big the buds can grow without the need for the stem structure to support their weight!”
Coincidentally The Cannalysts’ CytochromeP was recently researching the patentability of zero gravity growing to see if any patent infringements might be on the event horizon,.whereupon apostle of sungrown quality—Dan Sutton of Tantalus Labs—commented that Space Crop 1 will uniquely receive the full spectrum of unfiltered sun from its orbit. Mr. Sutton commended CACA for using the power of the sun versus less environmentally friendly nuclear-powered indoor growing methods. Mr. Sutton figures that, with abundant cosmic radiation, yields are expected to be galaxy-class.
The project, however, is not without its critics.
Al Rosen, forensic accountant with Accountability Research Corp., has commented that “international financial reporting standards are already way too liberal with how LP’s record their timing and their profits through gain on biologicals assets. “
Not being the sort to miss out on this kind of action, David Hyde of David Hyde & Associates and Brian Wagner of Cannabis Compliance Inc. have teamed up to ensure that the compliance aspects of CACA Space Crop 1 are not being overlooked. Both have commented that, depending on the launch location, export and import permits for genetics will be daunting, and full camera coverage of Space Crop 1 and its perimeter has yet to be defined, and may never be defined.
Needless to say, they are both very happy that they will not have to airlift level 9+ vaults to Space Crop 1’s low-earth orbit.
Trina Fraser of Brazeau Seller Law has been tapped to handle the documentation of this historic project. She has commented that, in her research and discovery to date, the documentation to launch this entity will mean tackling the final frontier of legal issues.
To fund a project of this magnitude, the three founding JV’s looked to none other than Elon Musk for inspiration—Mr. Musk having just stemmed the significant operating cash-burn at Tesla by collecting $850 million in customer deposits on yet-to-be-built cars, SUV’s and trucks.
CACA has taken a page from the Musk playbook and has pre-sold the first four harvests from Space Crop 1 at a premium price of $100/gram (delivery extra).
While $100 a gram seems high based on recent Stats Canada research, the folks at Hiku Brands, along with Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield, have helped ensure an oversubscription of harvests.
Hiku’s Space Crop 1 video announcement, overlayed with David Bowie’s “Ground Control to Major Tom” performed by Mr. Hadfield, brought tears to the eyes of reporters covering the announcement. Many of the reporters, when asked “why the tears?” replied, “resistance is futile.”
– GoBlue, The Cannalysts
* Not only is this article satire, but it also came here all the way from reddit. You have been warned.