In a press release earlier today responding to criticism about the number of pot stores being permitted in NS and NB, NSLC spokesman Dana Arnaud clarified the reason for the small number of cannabis retail outlets being planned.
“Our aim is to limit the number of cannabis retail locations in these provinces to a few urban centres is based on our desire to drive population growth in those centres” says Arnaud. “It’s no secret that our economies have been lagging behind the rest of Canada lately.
“And while our attempts to lure self-employed millennials to the east with our affordable property prices and lovable Maritime accents have proven somewhat successful, most newcomers have chosen to move to rural areas over our cities, which honestly, isn’t doing much to help the economy at all. We need people to live in our urban centres if we want to see any economic advantage come out of this population increase.
“This is why we have strategically located a select number of cannabis stores in the areas that will benefit the most from population growth. Everyone knows self-employed millennials love their weed. How else are you going to get someone to choose to buy a run-down house in a crowded neighbourhood over a brand new lakefront cottage near a charming hamlet in the pristine wilderness?”
According to at least one self-employed millenial, the plan seems to be working.
“I was originally looking to buy something near Campbellton NB” says Emily Haas, a 25 year old graphic designer from Vancouver. “You can get a big house on an acreage there for about what you’d pay to park your car in East Van for a year.
“I really loved the idea of living in a beautiful place out in the country, you know? But then when I realized I’d have to drive for hours to get my weed, it just wasn’t an option anymore. I had to start looking at shotgun shacks in the industrial areas of Moncton and Halifax.”
Featured image courtesy of Andrea Schaffer via Flickr.
*Whoa there buddy—it’s just a bit of greasy fuckin’ satire!