Saudi Prince Wassouf Al Walladhi Bin Massef announced today that Saudi petrochemical firm Bismillah has discovered an inexpensive method to convert crude petroleum into cannabinoids and terpenes.
“We have developed a technique that quickly and cheaply converts petroleum into safe, all natural cannabis oil” said Bin Massef at a press conference earlier today. “The process costs about $15 USD per barrel of petroleum, which, given today’s oil prices of about $66 per 159 litre barrel, means that cannabis oil products are set to drop to somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 cents per litre.”
One medical cannabis user, who says she is facing a supply shortage for the kinds of strains she needs to treat her chronic pain, said she is cautiously optimistic.
“Look, we need more cannabis in Canada,” said Angela Jackson with a raised eyebrow or two. “So if this really works, then I say it’s great. But…. seriously? Out of oil? Why don’t we just grow more cannabis?”
The announcement has sent a shockwave of disbelief through the global cannabis industry, especially in Canada and the EU, where billion dollar companies have been building out infrastructure day and night to meet the expected demand for medical and recreational cannabis.
Grace Wong, CEO of Dew Tree Bioceuticals, says she hopes customers will prefer the plant-based cannabinoids that traditional licensed producers offer over these new-fangled petroleum-based ones.
“People just don’t want to put something that’s basically made out of dead dinosaur goop that someone squeezed out of a rock into their bodies, it’s not natural” she said in an exclusive with verp earlier today. “We are confident that customers will choose traditional plant-based cannabinoids over the rotting corpses of terrible lizards, simply because this is what they know already works for them. Also, who knows what those dinosaurs were eating? Was it organic?
“Sure, maybe cannabis is thousands of times more costly, and sure, it’s way worse for the environment with all the electricity and what have you, but we feel that consumers will make the right decision. And I mean, it’s dead dinosaur goop—come on.”
While Dew Tree is betting on consumer preference for plant sourced cannabinoids, Alberta based licensed producer SunCrop is ahead of the game with their plans to source cannabinoids and terpenes from large outdoor industrial farms in Canada’s prairies before processing them at a repurposed petroleum refinery.
“Our cost to produce one litre of cannabis oil is set to be around $200 CDN” SunCrop CEO and former CBC Dragon Bert Chillson tells verp. “While this isn’t as low as Saudi crude will be, it’s definitely low enough that we can compete with them in terms of value-added products. Canadians, and people around the world, prefer ethical oil. We’re confident in our position. Both the economy of Alberta and the economy of Canada as a whole are depending on us to take a stand against Saudi price meddling.”
*This article is a satirical work.