Two police officers from the small town of Orono, Ontario (located between Peterborough and Scarborough) recently made headlines after ingesting cannabis edibles while they were on duty on Sunday night.
The officers involved were Cnst. Bill Devreux (pron. dev-row), a ten year veteran of the Orono Police Office (OPO), and Cnst. Jason Thurlowe, a rookie on his second night of active duty.
“It was our second night together as partners” recalls Devreux. “Our first night had been pretty slow, which is the status quo in Orono. Around 2am or so, we decide to break for some food and a cup of joe. We drive through the snow to the local Timmies, but wouldn’t ya know, it’s closed for renovations.”
At this point, Thurlowe produced a thermos of lukewarm coffee and a couple of brownies from his lunch bag, which the two officers then shared in the parking lot of the closed Tim Hortons before returning to their patrol.
“About an hour later and we knew something wasn’t right” recalls Thurlowe. “Around 3:15 we had pulled this guy over for speeding on the highway, and I’m asking him for his license and registration, but he’s just giving me this confused look. So I ask him again, this time louder. He tells me he can’t understand me. Just as I start to get mad, Bill walks up to me and asks me why I’m speaking perfect Japanese.
“‘I ain’t speaking perfect Japanese,’ I said back to him in perfect Japanese. I don’t even know how to speak perfect Japanese. Turns out Bill taught English in Japan before he became a cop, so he knew what he was talking about—I was speaking perfect Japanese. I spoke perfect Japanese for the rest of the night. Bill tried talking back to me in Japanese for while, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. This was our first clue that things were off.”
After a series of misadventures that involved rescuing a cat from a tree that turned out to be a cougar, arresting several racoons for public mischief, and directing invisible traffic at the town’s main intersection for over an hour, the officers realized that they were in trouble.
“It was the smell of racoon shit coming from the back seat of the cruiser that finally clued me in” says Devreux. “I asked Jason where he had gotten the brownies and coffee from earlier. The coffee, he had brought from home. The brownies though, he says, in perfect Japanese, that they came from ‘the lunch table’ at the office. ‘We don’t have a lunch table at the office’ I say. ‘The folding table in the main office, the one by the sink’ he tells me. ‘Shit’ I say, ‘that’s the goddamn evidence table!’”
As it turns out, during the previous day shift, OPO officers had raided the home of a local woman who had been manufacturing pot brownies and selling them out of her back door. These were the brownies that Thurlowe had grabbed at the start of his shift. “The day before that, an officer had brought in a pile of homemade cookies her wife baked for us” he explains. “They were delicious. I thought the brownies were something similar.”
After realizing what had happened, Thurlowe phoned their superior officer, Sgt. Phil Lebeaux, at home to inform him of the situation.
“The phone rings and it’s like 5am” recalls Sgt. Lebeaux, “and I know the call is coming from the station, but all I hear on the other end of the line is someone frantically yelling in what sounds like perfect Japanese. I didn’t know what to make of it so I got up and rushed down to the station to see what was going on.”
When Lebeaux arrived at OPO station, Thurlowe calmly explained the situation to him while Devreux translated. Once he had heard the story from Thurlowe via Devreux, Lebeaux let them both go home early, and told them to take the next couple of days off, to go slow and get the brownies out of their system.
Both officers are recovering well, and are expected to return back to work on Wednesday. A spokesperson from the Orono location of Tim Hortons says the renos are “good to go” and the store will resume 24 hour operations “the day after tomorrow.”
Featured image courtesy of Wladyslaw via Wikimedia Commons.
*This article is a satirical work. I mean, come on.